Mother Juice

In this corner, from the fertile fields of The U.S. and A., wearing red, green and orange, a heap of fresh fruits and vegetables ready to enter the hungry maw of this ravenous crowd. In the other corner, weighing in at a third of one horsepower, the one and only Champion 2000+ Juicer, a masticating monster that instills fear in the most fibrous and fearsome aggregations of cellulose this planet has ever seen. Should be a helluva bout.

Who's kidding whom? The most naive bookie in Vegas wouldn't touch this match, 'cause no self-respecting carrot or apple would willingly enter the feeding chamber of the toughest and most durable piece of machinery since Robocop. Actually, Champion's been the choice of health nuts for some fifty years now, no more so than now, when the food chain's so rife with deracinated, nutritionless garbage that fresh juices are deservedly back on the front page.

We're not talking that jokey, plastic Jack LaLanne juicer here. The Champion would not feel out of place in a tool and die shop, such is its heft and power. And because it masticates instead of mashes, the Champ chews fibers and literally breaks up the cells of vegetables and fruits. This gives you more fiber, enzymes, vitamins and trace minerals -- resulting in a darker, richer colored juice and a sweeter, more full-bodied flavor.

The bonus? Switching out one part turns this baby from a juicer into a homogenizer, so you can make nut butters, fruit sauces, baby foods -- and a grain mill attachment lets you grind your own grains and flours. Cleanup is no big whoop, which would be a deal-breaker for me. Never have been known for my longevity sink-side. I will tell you this: one week in and I've lost a bunch of weight, feel more energetic and am hooked like I was on something that ought to be more expensive than apples and cucumbers. Call me a juicer -- I won't slug the nice people, will I Champ???