Prison Break and the tyranny of spoilers

Tonight’s penultimate episode of season one of Prison Break (8 p.m. on Fox) – as Michael (Wentworth Miller), Lincoln (Dominic Purcell) and the other inmates prepare, at long last, to go over the wall and into that good night – is a wonderfully white-knuckle thrill ride that fairly balances the inevitable glitches with the equally expected flashes of dumb luck. People die, the larger conspiracy involving the Vice President (Patricia Wettig) proceeds apace and, well, peril lurks everywhere. Fans should be gratified by the payoff they receive here, though next week’s season finale (which I haven’t seen) could be another story, but the producers have always seemed to have a pretty good rein on their unwieldy storylines.

But here’s the thing. The press release accompanying the screener reads, in part, “We ask that in any review or feature on the series you refrain from revealing key plot developments – especially the identities of who ultimately makes it over the wall, who is left behind at the prison and who dies …� (To avoid even the possibility of a spoiler, I thoughtfully won’t even finish the sentence.)

Fox’s request is downright modest and circumspect compared to the lunatic note from UPN accompanying the second-season finale screener for Veronica Mars. Hilariously, UPN includes a 14-point laundry list of plot points it wants critics to avoid mentioning in any review or discussion for the show. Among them:

• [Classified] is [omitted] at [censored].
• [Expurgated] tells Veronica that [random character] [did something]. …
• Veronica looks at [noun – this is starting to feel like Mad Libs, isn’t it?] and figures out [something that may or may not be important].
• Anything that reveals that Veronica [blah blah blah].
• [Blank] [blank] [blank]. …
• [A plurality of characters, probably but not necessarily limited to two just to keep you guessing] have sex.
• [Something or someone whose identity is obscured above] is killed by [someone who is not Veronica]. (Should we have not revealed that someone is murdered? Oh, come on, UPN – murders are a time-honored plot device. Let me offer up the murder.) …
• Please do not reveal anything of [what they don’t want me to reveal anything of].

Ad nauseum. So what, aside from the opening title sequence, can be discussed about this episode? And all this hand-wringing for a show that only has about 2 million viewers in the whole country. It’s not Desperate Housewives, guys. (Besides, by listing all that information in the press release, UPN spoiled the whole damn episode for me. Now, I hardly need to watch it.)

I’m of an age where critics just knew, as a professional courtesy – both to the producers of entertainment and the fans who would consume it – not to include spoilers in reviews. That was just understood; we didn’t need to be warned by overly paranoid publicists who protect their programs like they’re the freaking Dead Sea Scrolls to be circumspect. It’s part of being a professional.

Now, with a zillion sources for entertainment news compressing the whole genre into nothing but irritating white noise, there are unscrupulous people out there who want to call attention to themselves in any way possible. Merely being professional in one’s writing and behavior is no longer a guarantee that readers/fans will notice you. The playing field is no longer level, and so real journalists (if, in fact, critics can be called journalists) are treated like children alongside the petulant pests who are more into self-aggrandizement than useful entertainment reportage.

Ruining someone’s viewing experience by uncorking spoilers is the critical equivalent of a chimp flinging its feces about. If someone is interested in that sort of thing (I know, I know – knowledge is power, even if you know something 20 minutes before the next guy), there are specific websites for that sort of thing (though they’re notoriously unreliable – just imagine, dubious information disseminated online). But I’d just like to voice my own offense at publicists telling me how to write my reviews.

UPDATE: I was just perusing the press materials for That '70s Show's series finale, and came upon this not-so-veiled threat: "Because ... details (of episodes were) not leaked, we have been able to provide you with episodes that otherwise (would) have been withheld. ... Our continued ability to send out these mailers depends on your cooperation."

For heaven's sake. The biggest surprise for That '70s Show's finale would be if anyone watched it.