By the power vested in me, I do hereby declare this Monday, July 24, to be Talk Like A Pirate Gordon Ramsay Day. Perhaps you've had a boss like Gordon Ramsay, legendary U.K. chef and star of "Hell's Kitchen" on Fox (on which would-be head chefs compete to run Ramsay's new Las Vegas restaurant, and during which he motivates his charges by berating them and throwing things) and "Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares" on BBC America (on which Ramsay goes to failing eateries all around Britain and tries to turn them and their workers around ... by berating them and throwing things) . Let's just say that even sailors don't swear this much.

Since it's getting down to the proverbial wire on "Hell's Kitchen" (which I'm pretty sure is filmed on a converted soundstage at the Fox lot in Culver City) on Monday (8 to 10 p.m., Fox), it's time for us all to cast off our usual sunny demeanors and TALK LIKE GORDON RAMSAY.

An un-bleeped DVD of the BBC America show was so expletive-ridden, we had to turn it off when our 2-year-old woke from her nap. (Yes, I am parent of the year, and will now bask in my reflected glory. Thank you all.)

So aside from watching dozens of Gordon Ramsay-starring TV shows, which I assure you I've done, thereby making me an authority on this topic, here's a short course on HOW TO TALK LIKE GORDON RAMSAY:

1. End each and every command, suggestion or instruction with the phrase, "Move your arse!!!!!" (with a bit of lengthening on the "arse.")

2. All males who weigh more than 150 pounds shall be called "big boy," as in "Move your arse, big boy!!!!"

3. All women, all shapes and sizes, are to be referred to as "missy," as in "Move your arse, missy!!!!"

4. In the unlikely event that someone prepares you a food item, say a beef Wellington (Gordon is big -- very big -- on beef Wellington) that is not cooked to exact specifications, yell the following: "Throw it in the bin!!!" See, in British, "bin" means "trash can."

5. If no amount of arse-moving in the world will fix what's wrong with your current situation, hold your head in your hands and say, "Oh, F--- me."

6. At this point, if there's no way to salvage the task at hand, utter the following command, "Shut it DOWN!!!" and leave the room.

Then ask your co-workers to nominate two of their own. You then fire one on the spot, collect their jacket on the way out, impale it on a hook and cause their picture to spontaneously combust. That's how to Talk Like Gordon Ramsay. (Hell's Kitchen ... flames ...spontaneous combustion ... his fate in your hands ... DO I HAVE TO DRAW A ROADMAP FOR YOU? HE'S THE DEVIL ... THE DEVIL I SAY!)

P.S. It's obvious that either Heather, left, or Keith, right, is going to win this thing ... so tune in Monday, talk like Gordon Ramsay and ... MOVE YOUR ARSE!!!!

P.P.S. If you want to work for Gordon Ramsay, apply here.

P.P.P.S. Catch "Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares," as he tries to save a "hideous Italian restaurant," at 10 tonight on BBC America.