A blurb by any other name would smell as dubious

So DirecTV has hired Leonard Maltin to tout their pay-per-view movies. I’m loathe to pick on Maltin, as he’s one of the nicest people I’ve met in Los Angeles – and certainly, one of the most genial film critics in town – not to mention incredibly knowledgeable about all things Hollywood.

(Though seriously, can’t he share his workload with a few other people? With “Entertainment Tonight,� other TV appearances, his syndicated radio program, the perennially bestselling compendium of reviews, books of film history and magazine work, he’s the busiest man in show business, moreso even than Alan Nierob.)

But I think we can all see the problem here. Maltin’s a serious, legitimate critic, DirecTV wants people to shell out cash to see their pay-per-view flicks and some of them simply aren’t worth bothering with.

So Maltin has a thin line to tread here in providing recommendations for the movies listed in the above link. And Maltin’s diplomatic non-raves for a number of the films suggest his deep ambivalence. Herewith, his excerpted quotes for the pay-per-view lineup, followed by what likely was his next thought.

“Nanny McPhee:� “I think kids will eat this up.� … “and parents will vomit it back out.�

“October Sky:� “Celebrates the American can-do spirit.� … “in as hackneyed and klutzy a manner as is humanly possible.�

“The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio: “I encourage you to check out this sleeper of 2005.� … “because, after all, someone’s gotta see it, and it ain’t gonna be me.�

“Match Point:� “No apologies are necessary for this contemporary drama set in London.� … “but ticket refunds would certainly be in order.�

“The Family Stone:� “The kind of movie that belies my frequent observation that ‘they don't make 'em like that any more.’� … “and makes me wish they really didn’t make ’em like that, now or ever.�

“Glory Road:� “It doesn't seem to matter that you know how it's going to end. You still get caught up in the drama of the game.� … “if you’re an easily manipulated sop.�

“Shopgirl:� “A comedy of character and social observation.� … “and utter dramatic inertia.�

“The New World:� “I knew that this wouldn't be an ordinary rendering of the story of Captain John Smith and Pocahontas.� … “but I did expect it to be vaguely interesting, and, seriously, Colin Ferrell? Has Terrence Malick lost his mind? Wait – don’t answer that.�

“The Greatest Game Ever Played:� “A wonderful film that deserves to be discovered and enjoyed.� … “deserves it, but let’s face it, it ain’t ever gonna happen.�

“The End of Violence:� “There are moments in this movie that leave you with your jaw on the floor.� … “if one of the broadly drawn, violently unhinged characters in the movie actually enters your home and tears your jaw from your skull.�

“An Unfinished Life:� “A good-hearted film I'd recommend to anyone who appreciates great screen acting.� … “but not to anyone who likes competent scripting or even merely adequate direction.�

“Jarhead:� “If you know to expect something out of the ordinary, I think you'll appreciate the film as I did.� … “with a bottle of tequila.�

“Syriana:� “There is a lot to keep track of, but I wasn't confused. In fact, I was mesmerized.� … “by my utter incomprehension.�

“Last Holiday:� “Queen Latifah has a wonderful screen presence.� … “in some movies. Here? Don’t be silly.�