I received an email from God this morning. Let me preface it by saying that we Presbyterians generally don't claim to have any more direct connection to the Big Guy than others in the Judeo-Christian world.
Actually, I was BCC'd on an email directed to Paris Hilton, the world's most famous ex-con of the moment. Hope she reads it and gets the message... Here it is, just as I received it:

God's Publicist
Subject: Shut Up Paris! Love, GOD
Date: Thu, 28 Jun 2007 00:35:32 -0700
To:
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Dear Paris,

You may have “found” me, but you’re obviously not listening. If you were, you would have heard me say: For heaven’s sake girl, just SHUT UP!

I provided you an opportunity to grow, and instead, you and your family use it as an opportunity to gain more attention and (attempt) to spin media in a shallow favor. An interview within 48 hours of your “new life” to serve your own needs and offer up...excuses. How selfless of you. May I suggest having CNN write a check to one of the charities you insist you are now dedicated to, instead of for your further benefit?

Have you ever heard of the phrase ACTIONS speak louder than words? It means, what comes out of one’s mouth is nonsense...or unnecessary if their actions precede them. So again, with great patience and faith I encourage you to – just SHUT UP.

You begin your interview by stating, “I just want people to know what (I’ve) gone through”?! What YOU have gone through? DeWayne McKinney is man who served nearly 20 YEARS in prison for a crime that he didn’t commit. You committed your crime but you want people to know what YOU have gone through?

There are women brutally raped every day. Innocent people tortured and maimed. Helpless animals beaten, taunted and neglected. Children dying of lack of food...yet you state that YOU “have gone through a lot...it was a very traumatic experience”?! My dear, stupid child – just SHUT UP!

If the experience “changed your life”, then your choices now would be different. It’s time for you to come to terms with reality (which is not a weekly series). It’s time for you to just SHUT UP.

Take responsibility for your actions. Take responsibility for your choices and your endless acts preceding your notoriety in order to obtain it. Roll up the windows in your SUV next time you drive home from prison “a changed woman” not seeking media, and for GOD’s sake, JUST – SHUT - UP!

The next time you film yourself on your knees, I hope it’s to pray for further enlightenment.

Love,
God.