The mavericks are coming, the mavericks are coming

Rustle up the posse to fight the cultural wars, pilgrim. Out West where men are men and women are pioneers, Doc McCain and Sidekick Sarah are circlin’ the wagons on reformin’ Washington. They’re gonna round up the special interest bandits, lasso them dang lobbyists, and run ‘em out of the small town we like to call America.

There’s gonna be a new sheriff in town. Doc McCain, the affable, kindly ol’ coot will drill your teeth if it means oil. Doc’s got the dall-garndest bedside manner to go along with the right remedy to calm those nerves. Sidekick Sarah can put a government jet on eBay like it was “a task from God.” Well, hoot, she she can even get more traction on a snowmobile to the Bridge to Nowhere than your average hockey mom.

Standing in their way is the Tinhorn — a community organizer {cue laugh track} from the south side of Chicago. He’s eloquent, professorial and a celebrity-conscious liberal with one thing on his mind: Change. Well, pardner, this town we like to call America will take its status quo as long as we can keep our distance from the unfamiliar. We like our war heroes with their compelling stories and our women rural and independent and who can ask God to deliver an Alaskan pipeline.

Let’s join Doc McCain as he strategizes with Sidekick Sarah…

Doc: America is a friendly town and I aim to keep her that way. Shoot, people know me — I’ve been around as long as dirt. I know what ails her and I can prescribe the right medicine for her.

Sidekick: Speaking of medicine — Rustler Rush called again for more pain killers.

Doc: Dang, you can never do enough to please that oversized sidewinder.

Sidekick: What about the Tinhorn? He keeps wanting to bring up issues.

Doc: Issues. Heck, I’m 107 years old. Don’t you think I have a lot of issues, too?

Sidekick: No, Doc, issues like the war and the economy.

Doc: I was a POW in North Vietnam. Surge work, surge work. General Petraeus.

Sidekick: Good. That takes care of the war. Now the economy.

Doc: I’ll give the economy the shot of penicillin it needs.

Sidekick: Maybe a shot of adrenelin might sound better, Doc.

Doc: Enough about issues — remember the memo — this campaign will be about personalities. And I can safely say I’m the guy you want to have a beer with because I know a thing or two about Budweiser.

Sidekick: Good one. My slogan can be: Hockey moms unite — stick it to the Tinhorn.

Doc: Or, This puck is outta luck.

Sidekick: This personalities thing is fun. No one’s even talking about Joe Biden. It’s like he’s invisible.

Doc: He’s just “Biden” his time until he gets his butt handed to him on election day.

Sidekick: What about this change issue — can we really steal the thunder from the Tinhorn on this one?

Doc: Remember, in our own subtle way, it’s up to us to remind voters that the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Sidekick: Spoken like a true maverick.

Doc: Takes one to know one. You’re like my Mini Me.

Sidekick: Makes sense, since you sound like Dr. Evil when you speak.

Doc: I taught that to Mike Myers, you know.

Sidekick: I love “SNL” — I wish Tina Fey would go back on that show.

Doc: I think it’s safe to say she will. Just remember, imitation is the sincerest form of reminding people to vote for you, because you’re popular. But let’s keep our eye on the greater picture: who we’re running against.

Sidekick: The Tinhorn.

Doc: No. W the Yale Cowboy.

Sidekick: That varmint.

Doc: Once we beat him, we’re home free.

Sidekick: Which home?

Doc: Zinger — good one. People remember a good one-liner more than they do where you stand on global warming.

Sidekick: Republicans really do know how to win, don’t they?

Doc: Those high-falootin’ Democrats never get it — America is really just a small town with small town values. There’s nothing cheap about Americans — but they can’t pass up a good bargain.

Sidekick: They’ll buy what we’re sellin.’

Doc: Republicans have always been the better horse thieves.

Sidekick: Don’t you mean horse traders?

Doc: Huh? oh, ya. Sorry, I was having a senior moment. Where’s my medicine ….?

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