Foot the Bill

Before Hillary Clinton is sworn is as President-elect Barack Obama’s Secretary of State, she has to dump Bill. That’s right — hit the road, Jack. Hasta la bye-bye, Bubba. Wild Bill won’t only have his foot in the door when it comes to foreign policy, he’ll be pushing his agenda as if he’s got a leg up on every given situation. Whenever Hillary’s on camera any place in the world, there’ll be another sound bite from Bubba at a Hooters or somewhere to also give his worldly views. Regardless if the Clintons stay together, the humor front will be stacked with ammo targeting Hillary pants suits jokes and philandering Willie punchlines.

No doubt Obama doesn’t want the Clintons on the outside looking in. With Hillary as secretary of state, the Clintons will be less likely to be a thorn in Obama’s olive branch.

Before Hillary becomes the nation’s top diplomat, she’ll have to have that talk with Bill:

Hillary: I’m taking the job. I’ll be on the world stage. Mess up one time and you’re toast.

Bill: Ah, baby, you know I only want what’s best for you.

Hillary: Everytime you say that, the other shoe drops.

Bill: Just tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it.

Hillary: For starters, maybe it wouldn’t be so awful if you were more like Todd Palin.

Bill: Ah, darlin’, don’t go there. That guy looks like he goes to the bar at 8 in the morning ‘cos he can’t hold down a job.

Hillary: I meant be more supportive by not opening your mouth all the time.

Bill: I stood by you in the primaries.

Hillary: Two words … South Carolina.

Bill: OK, that was bad … Bubba bad … Bubba deserved a spanky for that one.

Hillary: And you can’t follow me everywhere I go when I’m out there pushing global initiatives.

Bill: I can deal with that. Really, I can.

Hillary: That means behave when I’m out of the country. When I say zip it, that has a double meaning.

Bill: You can count on me. How many times do you think you’ll have to be out of the country? If you had to guess. Give me a ballpark figure. How much is a lot?

Hillary: A lot as in a lot of hurt if you screw this one up. Bill, I could write a book dealing with all I’ve had to put up with being married to you.

Bill: But hasn’t it been worth it in the long run, sugar loaf? Look what we’ve done together. And we ain’t done yet.

Hillary: What do you mean we, aging white man?

Bill: Ah, c’mon darlin’, are you gonna take away your Bubba’s Bill of Rights just like that? We’re a team.

Hillary: Well, this is going to be the first time there’ll be an “i” in team. This one’s all mine — I’m a woman on a mission. No man — not even you — is going to force me into the role of victim ever again.

Bill: Baby, you know I can’t resist you when you get all Helen Reddy on me like that.

Hillary: Well, try resisting the temptation of always having to be the same ol’ Bill Clinton for once in your life. Promise?

Bill: I swear on your mother’s grave.

Hillary: Good. Wait — my mother’s still alive!

Bill: You know what I mean. I can change. Heck, I’ll be Barack Obama for you — change you can believe in.

Hillary: I don’t know why I should believe you now … but …

Bill: That means we can still salvage our marriage of convenience?

Hillary: Yes we can.

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