Mmmmmm… Thanksgiving — when we give thanks for the bounty we are about to receive, and thank those turkeys who, over the last year, made us bust a gut because we couldn’t get our fill of them:
1. President George W. Bush. What kind of wine goes with lame duck? Compared to a Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings, W.’s presidency is a happy meal at Mickey D’s. Consider the last 3 days. President-elect Obama held 3 press conferences introducing various members of his economic team while addressing the issues surrounding the financial crisis. Meanwhile, W. pardoned a couple of turkeys. W.’s failings are unmatched by recent presidents — right up there is the fact that he stopped caring. And he stopped caring a long time ago. There’s no greater sin for a man who is still in charge. We’ve all known people who have given their two weeks notice and at least tried to fulfill their obligation to the place that hired them. The only obligation W. has ever succeded at filling was a photo op. Invite him over for Thanksgiving dinner and he’d probably choke on the wishbone.
2. Sarah Palin. Call her Ms. Butterball — her persona is a full course meal of political pratfalls that are good for leftovers until at least 2012. A conservative political action committee (PAC) is running “Thank you, Sarah Palin” public service announcements on the holiday. PAC — Palin As Cult. This proves once and for all that the tryptophan in turkeys should be subjected to medical — if not mental– scrutiny. Palin will not only pardon a turkey and hang around talking to a reporter while bird carnage goes on behind her, but she’ll cook the fowl and bag a moose — just in case some of her clan has a hankerin’ for a side order of Bullwinkle bowels.
3. John McCain. No pumpkin pie for McHero — more like a big slice of humble pie. Some might think because he ran such a nasty campaign, he got his just dessert. With all that experience going for him, he still got the stuffin’ knocked out of him. Poor guy tried everything, but voters couldn’t help but see him as granpa at the dinner table on Thanksgiving — sure, we like him well enough, but we don’t want him in charge of slicing the turkey with that large carving knife in his mitts. And forget about him volunteering to help wash the dishes — grandpap might clog up the sink and then you’d have to call Joe the Plumber. No doubt he’d be available even on a holiday — since his 15 minutes of fame disappeared faster than Dad snatching one of the turkey legs at the dinner table.
4. Joe Lieberman. The two-faced Democrat turned Independent turned McCain mouthpiece is the boorish uncle at the Thanksgiving dinner table who complains about the small portions and tells long-winded stories that send family members rushing for the Alka-Seltzer.
5. Fox News. Serve this platoon of paranoid patriots only portions of white meat. The so-called news organization used every code word or phrase to try and disguise the fact that they didn’t want an African-American to be president. Remember “not one of us” or “who is the real Barack Obama?” Not to mention the terrorist and Muslim references that were talking points between the GOP and Fox, with Palin as the go-between. And let’s not forget the Fox hounds of hate Dick Morris, Sean Hannity and Karl Rove — who spew enough hot air to be their own floats in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Or if that’s too kosher for them, in Fox and the GOP’s real America.
Dishonorable mention: Only because they arrived unannounced and late for Thanksgiving dinner, the CEOs of the Big 3 automakers. The three unwise men. They’re the re-incarnation of the pilgrims who bamboozled the Native Americans into selling them Manhattan for a song. The Big 3 stooges tried the same ol’ tune when they showed up on Capitol Hill geared for a bailout. Even Moe, Larry and Curly wouldn’t have been as dumb as to do what these knuckleheads did — arriving seperately in their own private jets. And you thought turkeys couldn’t fly.