Coming attractions

Here are some mid-season TV fare you won’t see, but could be interesting if they came tothe networks or cable:

1. Dick Cheney’s Undisclosed Locations. Fox News will be privvy to the former Veep’s hideouts, and each week will have exclusive tours of the various underground bunkers and dungeons throughout the several militia states Cheny occupies. Discover the places where he would go to supervise the waterboarding of most-likely suspected terrorists, train Boy Scouts in wire-tapping techniques, and occasionally drink the blood of virgins.

2. Hunting for Homosexuals with the Mormon Church. Go behind the scenes where the religious organization uses its own version of “gaydar” to zero in on states where same-sex couples want to get married. Marvel at how the church funds its money to make ads that, in their own subtle way, manage to convince minority groups that they’ll burn in hell if they support same-sex marriage. Witness how the leaders of the church have a meeting of the minds on whether to use their new slogan: “In California, we came, we saw, we conqueered.” Join in the strategy of how the church will target any city and state where the new biopic “Milk” is doing boffo box office. And see if you want to join forces with the leaders when they attack with all its righteousness their next target: gay polygamists.

3. Hank Paulsen presents Momma Said There’d Be Days Like This. The soon-to-be former Bush Treasury Secretary hosts shows about real people who suddenly find that one day everything goes wrong — even though they were just going about their business. Up first is Hank’s own story about how he took the job because it was just another department in the Bush administration that wasn’t expected to react to anything. Especially if something earth-shattering would come down. Upcoming episodes include a fluff piece on FEMA and one on Condi Rice explaining how, as national security adviser, easy it was to avoid memos warning about some guy named bin Laden.

4. Hillary Clinton’s Secretary of State Pants suits briefings. The title says it all, with the next top diplomat getting ahead of late night comics by giving reporters morning briefings with the joke of the day about hiding her cankles.

5. Can We Make Fun of Obama Yet? Sit in with comedians not of color during their writing sessions. Watch how once creative minds remain stifled because of liberal guilt. See how the best they can come up with is using Obama as a set up to a joke, but then make the joke about someone else. Example: President Obama met with French President Sarkozy today at the White House. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton was trying to bone up on his French lessons with Mrs. Sarkozy.

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