Nixon unplugged

Just in time for Christmas — more tales from the darkside as nearly 200 hours of new Nixon White House tapes have been unleashed on the public. So sit back, relax and remember what a reptile this guy really was. We’re talking about a guy whose re-election campaign went by the acronym C.R.E.E.P. It might not be so far-fetched, but here’s what some of his conversations might have been like — even if he wasn’t talking to anybody but himself. Presenting the disgruntled and discredited president ranting and plotting the demise of his political rivals. Especially the Kennedys.

“The Kennedys — they could do no wrong. The press thought they walked on water. Well, Teddy Bear found out differently when he crossed that bridge with that harlot. Here I was spending sleepless nights thinking 2 down and 1 to go, and then this happens to the kid brother. Restores my faith in the dark resources of the mind. We couldn’t have devised a better plan to squash any chances he ever had of running against me. Are you sure we didn’t come up with this one? Looks like it has Haldeman’s greasy fingerprints all over it. Doesn’t matter, I could always blame him if we are guilty.

“And don’t get me started on Jack Kennedy — America’s prince, my potatoes! Always fooling around with women — and in the sanctity of the White House! Well, the presidency is too sacred a job to reduce it to the best way to pick up chicks. Thank God we’ll never have a president like that again. You know, I always firmly believed that a woman’s place is standing behind her man, not lying under him.

“What’s happened to the party of Kennedy is that it has become the party of McGovern. Well, that was one St. George who couldn’t slay this dragon. That election was a snap — like shooting fish in a barrel. Or a Kennedy from a Texas bookstore depository building. So it makes our job that much easier to discredit the Democratic Party so they’ll never win another presidential election again. Anyway, we’ve taken a giant step toward crushing the idea of there ever being an Ivy League S.O.B. in the White House again. Which reminds me, keep tabs on that Bush fellow who keeps snooping around CIA headquarters. Damn preppie has a lean and hungry look about him.

“As for this Watergate cover-up. Just remember, what doesn’t kill me only makes me stronger. Still, too bad J. Edgar Hoover is burning in hell as we speak. Could’ve used him on this one. Is it true he was buried in a dress and pumps? Doesn’t matter, round up the usual suspects to take the fall.I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. I’ll fight tooth and nail. I won’t fold under pressure. If my enemies — or the public for that matter — thinks it knows President Richard M. Nixon, I’ll have one thing to say this about that: ‘You don’t know Dick.’ “

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