Round up the usual suspects

File this one under “If the shoes fit, throw them at the twit”: President Bush made a surprise “farewell trip” to Iraq on Sunday, but all did not go well for the Liberator when a protester threw two shoes at him. The shoes missed W., but he had to duck. Which begs the headline: Lame Duck ducks. W. later joked that the shoes were a size 10. Interesting, since that number matches the figure in most polls concerning the percentage of people who think he’s going to be remembered as a great president.

There was no opening act for W.’s Farewell Tour — you don’t want to precede a comedy act with a comedy act. Besides, Joe the Comic was already booked somewhere in Alaska. The protester yelled in Arabic, “This is a farewell kiss, you dog!” To which Bush immediately thought he should have brought his pet pooch Barney along — the canine seems to like to put the bite on reporters and/or anybody else who might disagree with his master.

One could only wish that W. was over there scouting locations for his presidential library. If he really wanted to make an impression, he wouldn’t come back. Not yet anyway. He deserves to stay in Iraq for at least an 18-month tour — or for however long it’s going to take Obama to bring the troops home. W. will have to survive on his wits — oh wait, that would be suicidal. At best he deserves to survive under the same conditions he has issued by decree that our troops have to endure. And he’d have to be a grunt — none of this brass stuff. Besides, he’s already shown he doesn’t have any brass. One last thing: Daddy Bush will not be able to get junior any deferrment — because the best he could come up with would be W. is too busy still not giving a damn about anything with just over a month left in his presidency.

W. said Sunday in Iraq that “the war is not over” but that it is “decisively on its way to being won.”

Right, George, but we can’t do it without you. So hang out over there in Iraq until it becomes like an exhibitionat Disneyland called something like “Future Democracy World.” We’ll send you letters and CARE packages — and that banner that says “Mission Accomplished.” You can wrap it around yourself while you streak down the streets of Baghdad . Until then, “Incoming! Duck, Lame Duck, Duck!”

File this one under “What the blazes is going on here!?”: The church where Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin attends was badly damaged by arson, which sparked the Thrilla from Wasilla to apologize if the blaze was somehow connected to “undeserved negative attention” from her failed campaign as the Republican vice presidential nominee.

OK, round up the usual suspects: people who pal around with terrorists; who have whacko preachers that marry them and baptize their kids; who practice socialism; who want to teach kindergartners sexual positions; and, maybe most important of all, who don’t live in the real America. While you’re at it, check the Wasilla Post Office and see if that mugshot is still hanging on the wall — you know, the one of Joe the Arsonist.

It’s not right to make light of any church, synagogue or mosque being set on fire. But it’s fair game to lash out at someone like Palin who could even think her church was set on fire because she was the GOP choice for VP and that somehow connects with “undeserved negative attention.” Is there no limit to this woman’s narcissism? Or maybe it’s her paranoia. Hey, Sarah, it was probably those sinners from the lower 48 who are upset over Prop. 8 and they’re going around the country with the intent of burning churches that condemn same-sex marriages. It’s an arduous task, but they probably figured if they started with your church, the incentive would be enormous. And, yes, they probably took their time getting to Wasilla because they were traveling by ferry boat.

Or maybe, just maybe, it was the witches — you know, the ones that preacher from Kenya thought he got rid of when he exorcised them from you at the church because it was God’s greater plan that you should, y’know, break through those doors if they’re there for ya.

Or maybe it didn’t have anything to do with you at all. That would be news to you.

File this one under: “The ‘Gate’-Keepers”: We have a winner. Cable news — well, MSNBC anyway — has selected Blago-gate as the tag line for the pay-to-play scandal involving Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich. Fox News might still be holding out, hoping other news organizations will adapt their idea: Guilt by association-gate. Both of them beat out such contenders as “Reverse-mullet-gate” in honor of the Gov.’s bad hairdo.

Broadcast news just can’t stop overdoing it with its newsspeak. Here are some words or phrases that cable news networks can’t do without:

1. Hit the ground running: They all agree President-elect Barack Obama needs to do this because of the financial crisis. This is as opposed to George W. Bush hitting the ground sitting — as in while he sat at a school reading “My Pet Goat” to kiddies on 9-11 when the country was under attack.

2. Slippery slope: This is when some politician is on the precipice and looking down into deeper doo-doo than he thought was there in the first place. In most cases, the press isn’t there to necessarily lend a helping hand as much as it is to point fingers.

3. Cherry picking: When a politico selects issues that he or she is well-versed in to either defend themselves or to attack their opponents.

4. Take a listen: All anchors on cable news have adopted this one — said when they’re introducing a report that we need to hear. They can’t just say “here’s what so-and-so said.” It’s not broadcast newsy enough.

5. Worst-case scenario: When cable news people are reporting on someone who is in the thick of it and is looking for the best way out, they report on what traps he or she faces and what they have to avoid. The word scenario gives it the Hollywood political intrigue effect. Used a lot by TV newspeople who are writing a book or novel of fiction or non-fiction in their heads that they hope will be published and then made into a Hollywood movie starring George Clooney.

6. The forseeable future: The late comedian George Carlin would have a field day with this one. You could almost hear him screaming, “There’s no such thing as the forseeable future! And if you think there is then you better be prepared when I hit you in the (crotch) with a bag of wet manure on Tuesday!” Now that’s what you would call playing “Hardball.”

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