Hollywood gets all Christmasy every year at this time when it gift- wraps holiday comedies, which pretty much follow the same formula: dysfunctional families get together for the season and the male or female, or both, leads are the proverbial fishes out of water. Comedy ensues when the families fight over things like getting the hardest to find — or the last — most popular toy of the season at a department store; or there’s a member of the family whose marriage is falling apart; or precocious kids from hell who pull outlandish pranks on granpa or their favorite drunk uncle; and of course the family member (usually a man) who is gay and has to develop the courage to out himself in front of mom and dad while everybody is trying to enjoy the Christmas Day turkey — which itself was a hassle to get cooked because of the ever-present out-of-control family dog.
Actors and actresses of all stripes sign on to make holiday movie comedies in order to get their names out there for a possible voice-over in a future Pixar animated flick — or to try to keep on impressing producers with how versatile they are.
This season the usually criticized for being decadent Hollywood didn’t go Scrooge and left a few holiday movie comedies under the tree. But what about the movies that didn’t get the OK because no producers would bankroll them? Here are a few rejected titles of holiday movies Santa won’t be bringing into your holiday spirit lives:
1. “Ben-Her: A transgender Christmas”
2. “Oops, Wrong Madonna”
3. “Dick Cheney’s Deck the Halls with pictures of tortured Abu Ghraib prisoners”
4. “I won’t be in my foreclosed home for Christmas”
5. “It’ll take a Miracle on Wall Street”
6. “Snoop Dogg’s You can never have enough ho, ho, hos for Christmas”
7. “Reindeer game hunting with Sarah Palin, or: Mommy, you shot Rudolph!”
8. “Don we now our gay apparel: A history of every British comic’s obsession with performing in drag”
9. “George W. Bush’s 11 Days of Christmas — He screwed that up too”
10. Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich in “It’s Beginning to Look a lot like Jailtime”