On the fifth day of Christmas my unwed pregnant daughter gave to me: her future mother-in-law charged with a drug felony.
Sarah Palin’s unwwed pregnant daughter Bristol, who is due at anytime now to birthin’ a baby fathered by Levi Johnston, has in-law trouble already. Levi’s mom, Sherry L. Johnston, was arrested Thursday in Wasilla, Alaska, on six felony counts, including second-degree misconduct involving a controlled substance, generally manufacturing or delivering drugs, and fourth-degree misconduct involving controlled substances, or possession.
The drug of choice was crystal meth. Not surprising, since law enforcement agencies in the moose state confirm that Wasilla is the crystal meth capital of Alaska. And you thought it was the breeding ground for future presidents who can’t name a single Supreme Court decision besides Roe v. Wade.
And guess who’s not talkin.’ That’s right, the Thrilla from Wasilla herself. Palin wasn’t seeking the national media spotlight for this one. Too bad, It would be priceless:
Reporter: Governor Palin, did you have any idea that your future in-law was dealing drugs?
Palin: Hokey-smokes, no! I just thought she was a bee-och.
Another reporter: Isn’t it a bit like saying you’re pallin’ around with dopers?
Palin: We’re not pals, if that’s what you’re getting at. We’re just like your normal two mother-in-laws who don’t like each other — only we got a head start at it ‘cos Bristol’s got one in the ol’ oven there.
Still another reporter: So you were never at her home and noticed anything suspicious?
Palin: Well, come to think of it, I did notice she knew a lot of people who were missing teeth. But I just wrote it off to the poor flouride in the water up here. Oh ya, and the people she associated with scratched themselves a lot.
Follow up question: So she never tried to sell Bristol or anybody in your family any crystal meth?
Palin: Jeepers, no! I get high on life — and so does my family. Heck, if we want to get high on something, we’ll go bag ourselves an endangered species.
Reporter: Think your future in-law is guilty. Should she do time?
Palin: Oh, I have no authority over any of that. But I will say to her that I can see the penitentiary from my house.
Fox News reporter: Governor, isn’t it true that your future in-law was secretly working for the government and manufacturing crystal meth and selling it to known homegrown terrorists who are known friends of 1960s radical William Ayres?
Palin: Whew! Fox News — am I glad to see you guys. Yeppers, that’s exactly what I think has been going on here. What’s-her-name is mixin’ up the meth and sellin’ it to the feds so they can sell it undercover-like to anti-American terrorists who pal around with you-know-who and then they can bust ‘em and put ‘em away with Manson and people like that.
Fox News reporter: That’s exactly how we see it. Can’t be otherwise.
Palin: So I’m assumin’ that’s the way you’ll report it?
Fox News reporter: You bet’cha. We wouldn’t dream of fabricating your non-part in this non-news story. That would be guilt by association — and we don’t do that.
Palin: It’s just like you guys not to want to upset a soon-to-be gran-mama.
Reporter: Whatta they gonna name the kid?
Palin: Well, if it’s a girl, she’ll be named Crystal Beth. That’s what my future son-in-law wants to call her. And if it’s a boy, he’ll be named after Levi’s favorite comedian — so it’ll be Billy Crystal Seth. Levi’s good with names.
Fox News reporter: Just a coincidence that the child is going to born around this time of the year? We at Fox News don’t think so.
Palin: Aw, gosh, you guys are making me blush. You really think so? Oh, don’t be silly. Besides, what would Jesus do?