Bushwhacked

The Yale Cowboy stuck to his guns at his last official “you won’t have me to kick around anymore” press conference on Monday. W., who envisioned himself, as most Republican male and females do, as the god-like Ronald Reagan, turned out to be more like the knave-like Richard Nixon.

W. was defiant in his defense of his presidency, fessed up to a few blunders (well, he said you can call them mistakes, or maybe “things didn’t go according to plan.” But sir, first you have to have a plan), and acted like he didn’t want to be there — you know, like in Louisiana after Katrina devastated New Orleans. W. faced the evil-doers that are the press like he was Daniel in the Lion’s den. A Biblical refernce is always appropriate for the GOP when it comes to dealing with the press, since the news media Philistines like to get New Testiment on anybody who isn’t a liberal or a Democrat.

So what has W. given America? Times up. We know what he’s wrought — the future of the Republican Party as it stands today in the form of Sarah “in a class by herself” Palin. And, oh ya, Joe the Plumber.

A documentary called “Media Malpractice: How Obama got Elected” by John Ziegler, a former conservative radio talk show fire-breather, features Palin whining about how the news media — the same news media that the country mistrusts — treated her unfairly. The Thrilla from Wasilla said if she was a Democrat the media would have embraced her family and her American story. Right, and the GOP would have let the dogs out on her unwed pregnant daughter and her seeing Russia from her house would’ve made Rush Limbaugh say she’s doing it with Putin. Truth be told, Palin’s wilderness woman is more Democratic lore than Republican. If she wasn’t a Republican, feminists would be looking at her like she was the second coming. Consider that in one year Palin gave birth to a child, ran for vice president of the United States (and lost), and became a grandmother. Take that, Angelina Jolie.

Palin would’ve made sense if she stopped there, but, oh no, she had to wax idiotically about how the media will treat Caroline Kennedy’s bid to fill Hillary Clinton’s vacant Senate seat differently than her bid to become the first female vice president because Caroline is a Kennedy and ’nuff said. The elitist and the elite. Palin spoke of this as being a class difference. Right, Caroline Kennedy has class. Palin also tried, to no avail, to defend her debacle that was the Katie Couric interviews. Couric has said she still wonders why Palin hasn’t responded to some of the questions posed to her during the campaign. To which Palin answers in the documentary with a nod and a wink: “Because, Katie, you’re not the center of everybody’s universe.” Course not. That would be your title. The rest of the world just hasn’t caught up to the fact. And that’s why God invented Fox News.

Meanwhile, Joe the Plumber is now Joe the Reporter as a rookie war correspondent covering Israel’s side of the military offensive in Gaza. He said he was “enlisted” by a conservative news outlet called pJTV.com because he’s “an expert on media bias.” Joe the Plumber is in country criticizing the media’s coverage of the conflict, saying things like correspondents shouldn’t be covering wars while he’s there as a correspondent covering, well, a war. Has this guy been snorting Drain-O? Joe the Media Bias Expert doesn’t find anything that’s not on the up-and-up when 24/7 news channels desperate for anything chronicles his every unimportant con in the grand scheme of things.

Media bias — or as it will soon be referred to, The Couric Doctrine.

Back to the press conference where W. said about his time in office: “I think it’s a good, strong record. You know, presidents can try to avoid hard decisions and therefore avoid controversy. That’s just my nature.” W. has had more missteps than Nick Nolte during a sobriety test. It’s taken eight years, but we finally can agree on one thing we’ve suspected all along: W. stands for Wrong.

Bush became almost hostile when he had to defend the fact that his presidency damaged our image around the world. Again he went by the Karl Rove playbook (the same one The Giants used last week against the Eagles) and said “it may be damaged amongst some of the elite.” There he goes again — W. you are the elitist. the Yale Cowboy. The Skull and Bones Yale Secret Society good ol’ boy who was weened on the WASP Doctrine on how to control the money and the power in America. It was the only time you were the apt pupil.

But the secret dies with you. Like you were the last child in a family to carry on a name that will have no heirs otherwise. For now the belly is barren. But fertility is the mother of reinvention — and your brood may rise again under another moniker that won’t remind us of failure.

In one week America will witness not only history, but it will be able to see what’s in store for it’s future. W. will be able to ride away from his Little Big Horn unscathed, but with the knowledge that he stood tall and arrogant defending Macho’s Last Stand. Like his co-hort, the Dick of Cheney, he believed “I gave it my all” and “didn’t sell my soul for the sake of popularity.” How very smug.

We all want President-elect Barack Obama to succeed because we really are all in this together, especially in these difficult economic times.

If his presidency is a bust, we could get the one-way ticket to Palookaville of them all: Palin and the Plumber. Talk about your two loads shy of a flush.

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