President Bush gave his farewell address to the nation Thursday — but not before he was stopped from trying to wing it. W. was of the, uh, mindset to improvise from his own notes. But after a dry run through, his handlers wrangled the notes out of the Yale Cowboy’s mitts.
W.’s improvised farewell address to the nation went something likt this:
“My fellow Americans, I speak to you tonight in person for the last time in my farewell address as I won’t be your president anymore after I say goodbye on Tuesday finally.
“I’ve never been android at speechifyin’ — but I think I’ve proven that action makes a lot more noise than words. And the action me and my administration took protected our freedoms. So give some props to your president. I kept y’all safe and out of harm’s way from trouble. We haven’t been attacked on U.S. native soil in America since Sept. 11 in this country. There have been those who misunderestimated me — but just remember and never forget i made tough decisions that were hard because they weren’t easy.
“Trust me, you wouldn’t want to know everything I’m expected to see and react to everyday on a daily basis when I’m at work 24/7. Well, make that 6/3. But I have to read and eventually go through the PDBs — which stands for the president’s, uh … the President’s Devotion to Bulletins. Every morning Vice President Dick Cheney takes the time to edit the bulletins and put them in better words that I can decyphersize. He then has them typed and double-spaced and keeps them to one big page so my secretary can then paste them on the backs of the boxes of my Cocoa Puffs so I’ll be sure to read ’em every morning.
“So I prepare to leave the presidency and eventually exit the Oval Office to make room for Prince Charming over there in that other party. He’s soooo cool. Gonna even host a dinner in John McCain’s behalf and in his honor — the night before he’s sworn in and eventually becomes the ebony Jack Kennedy. I guess I should leave him something — besides two wars, a crumbling economy and a deficit that boggles the mind. Heck, the only other time I understood the word deficit was when I looked at the Texas Rangers’ place in the standings. You know, they have a 10-game deficit to make up just to reach fourthplace. Anyway, I don’t know what to leave Joe Cool. All Bill Clinton left me was a phone number, which I never had the cajones to use.
“And so I leave America with the fact that because of me protecting you, you still have your cajones. Missing me will be like missing them.”
Now what W. really said was more of the same of what we’ve been hearing on his so long, been nice to know ya tour. The Revisionist Republican claimed foreign policy success in Iraq and Afghanistan. Sorry, that’s wrong, Mr. President. But thanks for playing the game anyway — enjoy your parting gifts: dreams of torture, due process, and ghosts of Hurricane Katrina.
Close your eyes, George, click your cowboy boots three times and say: There’s no place like Crawford, there’s no place like Crawford, there’s no place like Crawford.”
After he spoke to the 200 people who still think he’ll be remembered as a great president, W. gave his props to about 45 people chosen for their personal stories. Apparently the White House referred to them as members of Bush’s Army of Compassion. Does that sound contradictory? Naw. Just another Bushism. One for the road. Speaking of the road — hit it. Watch out for that last exit on the right.You could start drinking again– since our long, national hangoverwill soon be over.
Doesn’t matter how history will remember you — the more important fact is for now, you’re history.