Washington, Jefferson and Teddy Roosevelt are enjoying a late afternoon libation and discussing the day that is celebrated on their behalf.
Washington: Another holiday in observance of us and my mug is once again going to be used for a sale on mattresses.
Jefferson: We go over this every year, George. It could be worse. You mug could be used on a sale for Viagra.
Roosevelt: Not exactly a great image for the father of our country.
Washington: I suppose ol’ Honest Abe is going to get the best press again this year.
Jefferson: Especially this year — it’s his 200th birthday. You know, he did get the country through its darkest hour, the Civil War.
Washington: If it wasn’t for me and you, T.J., there wouldn’t be a country to suffer through a civil war.
Roosevelt: I got us the Panama Canal.
Washington: Big whoop, like that wasn’t going to happen anyway. Besides, you ran on a third party after you made the blunder of saying you wouldn’t run for re-election when you could have.
Jefferson: The country needed another political party like it needed another Millard Fillmore.
Washington: And we won’t even discuss how you got your mug on Mount Rushmore with us when your presidency was virgin territory to historians.
Roosevelt: What is this, get on Teddy’s case day?
Jefferson: You are kind of cranky, George.
Washington: It’s these damn teeth — you’d think I could’ve gotten a better set being in Heaven and all.
Roosevelt: You know we tote our baggage with us in the afterlife.
Jefferson: Don’t get me started on that. I still have to attend Agnostics Anonymous meetings. I’d like to say they feel like they go on forever, but I’ve been up here long enough to know better.
Washington: Plus you have to listen to Charles Darwin.
Roosevelt: He and Abe were born on the same day and the same yeaar.
Washington: That explains the ape thing. Abe was not a very good-looking fellow. By the way, where is he?
Jefferson: Lunch with Marilyn Monroe.
Washington: You think he’d learn his lesson with actors. Marilyn Monroe! How’d she get up here?
Roosevelt: You’ve got to admit, she is one of the more fascinating creatures the Almighty ever created.
Jefferson: The Dolly Madison of her day.
Roosevelt: Uh, not exactly.
Jefferson: You didn’t know Dolly.
Washington: I had a lunch date planned once with Greta Garbo — but she kept saying she wanted to be alone. Anyway, I suppose it’s good to be remembered — even if I am there by proxy pushing a blowout sale on sofas.
Jefferson: There’s something about you that’s associated with comfort, George.
Washington: And I take comfort in knowing that.
Roosevelt: Quite witty there, George.
Washington: You know me, I cannot tell a lie: I’ve always been quick with the quip.
Roosevelt: This the country didn’t know about you.
Washington: Historians were more interested in me freezing my bill of rights off crossing the Deleware.
Jefferson: Wonder how history will record the new president.
Roosevelt: He could be a descendant of yours, Thomas.
Jefferson: I’d like to think so. He could do worse you know.
Washington: Right, in old Millard’s family tree to be exact. Oh, no, that was Hubert Humphrey. Bad names just ran in that family tree, didn’t they?
Roosevelt: In all that men like you accomplished — with that great insight you had, could you have ever imagined America electing a black man president?
Jefferson: No. But don’t give us too much credit. After all, we were imperfect men.
Washington: I have to admit that would have been the farthest thing from my mind. But I also have to confess that the last time I smiled without these damn teeth hurting was when Mr. Obama was declared president of the United States. Damn if this country isn’t better than it sometimes thinks it is. Better than what we left it, it’s safe to say.
Roosevelt: President Obama says that his story wouldn’t have been possible if not for what Honest Abe accomplished.
Jefferson: Then bully for him.
Roosevelt: I couldn’t have said it better myself.