Let’s go to the movies

Movies are on the minds of Americans what with this being Academy Awards weekend and all. In lieu of that, here are some pitches for remakes, sequels and surprises starring newsmakers and celebrities.

There are obvious selections, such as: Michael Phelps in “High Society” or A-Rod in “A Shot in the Dark” and of course Bernie Madoff in “Take the Money and Run.”

Then there are remakes that defy description because the cast of characters are, as the Hollywood cliche goes, cast against type:

Rush Limbaugh in “The Quiet Man.”

Sarah Palin in “A Beautiful Mind.”

Rod Blagojevich in “The Age of Innocence.”

George W. Bush in “The Man Who Knew Too much.”

Coming next year in time for another posthumous-type Oscar: a documentary about Heath Ledger’s brief but over-praised acting career in the sequel to “The Departed.”

Another documentary already at the ready is Fox News’ doomsday diatribe of the Obama presidency beginning on day one called — wait for it — “From Here to Eternity.”

That baby-makin’ machine lady who gave birth to eight kids can be the next Bond villain in a remake of the 007 movie from the 1980s, “Octopussy.”

And now for something completely different: A comedy from the John Hughes of the 21st century — Judd Apatow — that, believe it or not, doesn’t show some guy naked.

The pilot, crew and passengers of Flight 1549 that ditched in the Hudson and lived to tell about it star in yet another remake of “Heaven Can Wait.”

The producers at CNN go absolutely bonkers and let Larry King host every newscast on the news network in “Who’s Afraid of Wolf Blitzer.”

The Republican Party answers Barack Obama in a movie that borrows its title from a Rolling Stones classic song, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.”

Still in production, but promising a release date within the next 100 days: President Barack Obama in a new version of “The Miracle Worker.”

And from the category “It’s time for them to Go”:

1. No more movies about or screenplay adaptations by Jane Austen.

2. Put the idea of any more costume dramas about Queen Elizabeth I on the chopping block.

3. Cut the comedy: Dispense of any more flicks featuring black comedians in drag as heavy-set black women.

4. Nix flicks with aging actresses from the baby boom generation who play divorcees with teen daughters who have their own generation gaps but end up solving every problem when the Diane Keatons, Susan Sarandons and Goldie Hawns lip-sync and dance to some 1960s pop song.

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