Sure things

The old chestnut “nothing is certain but death and taxes” is all a part of human nature. And human nature ain’t nothin’ but a sure thing.

There are many sure things in life. Predictable things. Tings of dat nature, as Gov. Ahhhnold would say.

For example, it’s easier for people to write something critical than something positive because there are more examples handy. Here are a few others:

1. At one time or another anyone who has ever owned a cell phone has used the phrase “touch base” with someone they were talking to.

2. When you’re on an elevator and it stops on the floor you’re geting off on and someone is getting on, as soon as the door opens they will always walk in immediately without waiting to see if someone is coming out.

3. At any time of the day, any day of the week, any month of any year, there will always be only one cashier working at a Big Lots.

4. In any movie (and now on TV) comedy or drama, whenever there’s a patient in a hospital walking around with an open gown in the back and nothing on underneath, that patient will never be a woman.

5. When four cars get to a four way stop sign at the same time, everyone will be confused as to who goes first.

6. In 90 percent of TV commercials, a man will do something stupid within the first 10 seconds.

7. Whenever you’re behind a van with a family in it at a fast-food drive-thru, the driver will always ask more questions about the menu, even though it’s self-explanatory. And when that van pulls up to the window, the driver will either order something else or ask for every condiment and utensil available. Individually.

8. Every comedy show on TV, from “Family Guy” to “Saturday Night Live,” can not get through a single telecast without penis references or jokes.

9. Left-handed pitchers who have been around the game for years are always called “crafty.”

10. People who are short in stature are always complimented by someone saying they have a big heart.

11. Once people get past the age of 80 and celebrate a birthday, someone somewhere will always say that person is “80 years young.”

12. When you are driving on a freeway in the fast lane and the driver in front of you is not going the speed limit, he or she will always speed up when you move into the other lane to pass them.

13. When someone with a lot more than 15 items checks out in that lane, they will always try to get away with it by saying they didn’t realize it was the 15 items or less line. But they’ll still check out there.

14. A person who can always be counted on to say “bless you” after someone sneezes will not say “bless you” when someone he or she doesn’t like lets loose with a big AH-CHOO!

15. People who always complain that there is too much negative news on TV or in newspapers are the same people who stop to see a tragic auto accident and take pictures if they have a camera handy.

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