Forget about Montezuma’s Revenge, it’s a dose of Mexico’s Revenge on the U.S. in the strain of swine flu.
Someone alert the media. Never mind, they know. Do they ever. Major cable news networks keep saying President Obama says there’s cause for concern, not alarm.
But the networks are the alarmists. Time to quote from the Book of Henley. Don Henley, as in his angry but accurate slam on the news media from his song “Dirty Laundry” in the 1980s before it was fashionable. “It’s interesting when people die …”
Sure, the swine flu outbreak is global, but let’s concentrate on south of the border down Mexico way. All the more reason to cite that country if you’re an anti-immigration blowhard like CNN’s Lou Dobbs.
So who’s to blame?
The Democrats and President Obama, of course.
A coincidence that Obama was recently in Mexico? Think again, right wingnut paranoid ditto-heads.
Hell, the GOP will probably break it down to the strain in the U.S. caused by Portuguese Water Dogs. Dogs rhymes with hogs. And hogs is pigs in this country, Old MacDonald.
Portuguese Water Dog flu. Kind of wordy. Let’s rename it Boflu, after the first dog.
Fox News will pick up the sweaty baton (you never really know where ditto-heads’ hands have been) and say House Speaker Nancy Pelosi knew about it weeks ago but decided not to do anything about it.
Then former Veepy (but still creepy) Dick Cheney will snear that swine flu would never have happened on his watch because they would’ve subjected it to “enhanced interrogation.”
So this is going to be the week of endless news stories about swine flu.
That means another week that the Octomom will be ignored. And just when she was really getting into copyrighting her name and dreaming up deals with product ideas like: Octodiapers, Octobibs, Octopacifiers and Octogarbage bags for the paparazzi to sift through to swipe some of that Octopoops so they can get DNA samples to find out who might be the real Octodaddy.
There were also plans for OctoTV: Octorealty TV following the kids from Octorbabies to Octotweens and beyond. The Cartoon Network could deliver Octorugrats.
Being in the spotlight isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Especially when your 15 Octominutes of Octofame are Octokaput.
What still won’t be lost this week, because it’s immuned to everything, is the torture issue. Who knew what and when and will the country every have to do it again.
The country is split down the middle (that’s gotta hurt) on the torture issue. It’s an issue that is going to put the GOP right back on track. Especially if Cheney subjects himself to waterboarding. On Pay-per-View. On Christmas Day. Jesus knew something about torture. What would Jesus do? You have to ask a Republican.
Also, happy 100 days in office (on Wednesday) Barack Obama.
The country hasn’t blowed up yet.
Your terrorist pals haven’t taken over the State Department.
Socialism is the new Scientology.
Pirates haven’t overthrown the Coast Guard.
We’re not in a Great Depression (what was so great about the first one anyway?)
There won’t be anymore Pontiac cars, but the Firebird was always a piece of junk.
You haven’t given the country away to the enemy (whoever they are this week) — although the South is really asking for it, with all that talk of secession.
Hey, if Texas wants to secede, let it. Just move Austin to Southern California, where it really belongs.
You haven’t nailed all the three-pointers, but you’re still in the game.
All the GOP can do is cry foul.