The Republican road show

Hurry! Hurry! Come see the new Republican Party on their road show! Come one, come all! Come see the endangered species on their listening tour!

The GOP is trying to get a more diverse group under its tent. Since they’re on the road, they’re pitching a bigger tent. Mothers can bring their daughters. Fathers can bring their sons.

There’s a dad over their with his kids. Let’s listen in:

“Daddy’s, who’s them?”

“Those are Republicans, son.”

“They don’t look like President Obama.”

“No one in their group does, son.”

“Who’s that one?”

“That’s a John McCain.”

“He looks scary.”

“He’s just old. Just the same, don’t get too close. Remember kids, don’t take any candy — or literature.”

“What’s literature?”

“That paper stuff they’re handing out.”

“I can’t read!”

“Yes, but your mother can.”

“Are they bedtime stories, daddy?”

“Well, they’re intended to make mommy and daddy sleep more safely.”

“Look daddy, baseball hats!”

“I want one!”

“Me too!”

“OK, just remember not to wear them backwards.”

“How come?”

“Ya. That’s cool!”

“Daddy doesn’t want to draw attention to himself.”

“What’s over there, daddy?”

“That’s the guns and Bible section.”

“Why are the people holding them so close?”

“They’re clinging to them.”

“Look daddy, T-shirts. We want those too!”


“Which ones?”

“I like the one where the pig is wearing lipstick.”

“I like the one with the cowboy with the wrinkly face.”

“That’s Ronald Reagan. He used to be a president.”

“Did he die?”

“Well, yes he did, Prudence. Why do you ask?”

” ‘Cos that one over there with him on it has a halo over his head.”

“Daddy, I’m hungry.”

“Me too. When we gonna eat?”

“Ah, let’s get burgers later.”

“Hey, there’s hot dogs over there!”

“No, that’s Sister Sarah’s Alaskan Moose dogs.”


“Daddy, I’m bored.”

“Ya. There are no rides.”

“That’s a surprise, since these guys have been on a roller coaster for months.”

“There’s no clowns.”

“Oh, there are. They’re just not wearing clown make-up.”

“Is that fat guy over there dressed up in black and jumping up and down a clown?”

“That’s Rush Limbaugh. And yes, he is a clown.”

“Can he come to my birthday party?”

“Probably not, Prudence. He’s too busy running his own party. Who wants burgers and fries?”

“We do!”

“Did you kids have fun?

“It was … OK.”

“Ya … OK.”

“Did you learn anything?”

“Were we s’posed to?”

“Well, this was supposed to be a listening tour. But the Republican men were doing all the talking.”

“Like mommy and you.”

“That’s good, Prudence.”

“Then the Republican mens’ family is like ours.”

“That’s what they keep telling us.”

“There’s no mommies.”

“Well, they represent both. It’s the only chance they have to do all the talking while pretending to listen.”

“Shouldn’t one be more like a mommy?”

“Well, they always say no. So you tell me ….”

The new GOP should swallow its collective pride. Go on Oprah for a makeover. Have some gay guy work on them — with the promise there won’t be any marriage proposals.

And none from the gay guy either.

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