In the 100 plus days since he’s left office, George W. Bush has picked up $100 million for his presidential library, or as if might be called, “History as we see it.” When you stop to think about it, that’s $1 million for each screw-up made by him and his administration.
So what will these fat cats that contributed to W.’s fantasy league see in return? Well…..
1. The Shock and Awe Wing: This will feature an IMAX theatre named Halliburton and will run enhanced versions of the bombing of Baghdad, as well asW. landing a fighter jet on the aircraft carrier to announce “Mission accomplished.” Other features in the planning stages are “Barney the dog’s Christmas,” “Jenna Bush’s Bachelorette Party (the unrated version)” and “Dick Cheney’s Hunting with Sadists.”
2. The Butt of Many Jokes Wing: Thousands of entries from famous comics who had field days using W. as a punch line. Whatever you thought of George, he did have a good sense of humor about himself. To quote Forrest Gump, “Stupid is as stupid does.”
3. Vacation Wing: Countless hours of home videos of the many days the Bushes spent vacationing in Crawford. Also known as the Asleep at the Switch Wing.
4. Famous Last Words Wing: Such memorable quotes from the former president like “Good job, Brownie” referring to FEMA head Michael Brown after the Hurricane Katrina disaster. And “Either you are with us or you are with the terrorists.” referring to not only our enemies but apparently to any American who didn’t agree with Bush and Cheney on anything foreign or domestic. Also, “Bring them on.” referring to those who would “take away our freedoms.” Meanwhile, Bin Laden remained at large.
5. We Have Nothing But Fear Wing: Maybe W.’s most successful accomplishment, however dubious. To take advantage of Sept. 11, Bush and Cheney succeeded at maintaining a level of fear among Americans that was so successful, Cheney is still trying to sell it to those who think President Obama is making the country less safe.
6. Keep Him Away From Pretzels Wing: When W. choked on a pretzel and his dog practically saved his life, the country should’ve known what they had in the Oval Office. We did and we re-elected him anyway. Defies an old Steely Dan album called “Pretzel Logic.”
7. The Gift that Keeps on Giving Wing: Refers to 2004 Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry, who succeeded at looking pale in comparison to W. This whole wing is dedicated to Karl Rove, the architect of the Bush campaign. Between Rove and Cheney, evil is a wuss. Rove is Simon Barsinister in the flesh and is a wizard at making the opposition look unAmerican, weak and even gay if it called for it. Once the library is finished, Rove should be encased in one of the walls of this wing like a character out of a Poe story. W. referred to Rove as “turd blossom,” which is a term of affection if you’re from Texas. The current governor of that state, W.’s successor, was talking about Texaswantin’ to secede from the Union. Does the GOP reallyneed to look any further for a presidential candidate for 2012?
8. Bedtime for Gonzo Wing: Dedicated to the Bush administration’s rape of due process and the weasel W. had as Attorney General, Alberto Gonzales. Also known as All the Crap We Got Away With Because We Were Defending the Country from Terrorism Wing.
9. Groping Germans Wing: Diagrams and charts on how to sneak up behind foreign leaders (preferably women) to give then unsuspecting (and more than likely, unwanted) back rubs.
10. If the Shoe Fits, Throw it Wing: How W. popularized everything from not being able to string a complete sentence together to how to dodge and weave when things might be thrown at you.
In any event, this is the biggest money-making Bush since…. never mind.
For a guy who probably avoided the library like it was, well, a tour in Vietnam, ol’ W.’s making out like a bandit.
If you listen long enough to MSNBC, that’s the least of his criminal activities.
If you listen to Fox News, they’ll probably give you a toll-free number you can call to contribute.