The Arch of triumph

Archie of Archie comic book fame is going to finally marry either Betty or Veronica.

Tough choice.

Like either Jeannie or Samantha.

Or Ginger or Mary Ann.

Blonde or brunette (or in Veronica’s case, raven-haired)

What’s with there never being any redheads?

Anyway, Archie ought to move with the two babes to Polygamyville and marry both of them.

Or move to the Playboy mansion and do what Hefner does. But then he’d have to find a third babe. He certainly doesn’t seem to have problems attracting babes. Even if it is only in the comics.

Decisions. We should all have such tough choices.

Guy talk includes who would be the best babe to hook up with from fantasyland.

We’ll talk about women all the time — doesn’t matter if they’re real. Or actresses playing characters on TV or in the movies. High-maintenance. Low-maintenance. Doesn’t matter, we’ll work with it.

Besides, we talk a good game about things we could never possess.

Hell, some guys even think The Little Mermaid is hot. Come to think of it, some Disney character babes aren’t bad.

Kind of like “what’s beneath all that innocent facade stuff?”

Still, stay away from princesses. Especially the ones in real life who aren’t from royalty.

As for who Archie should pick….

Put your money on Betty. Nice girls always win. Veronica is spoiled and has it all. She just wants Archie because Betty does.

She is hotter though.

What’s with fighting over Archie anyway? Riverdale must be a small town. Archie’s no prize. Looks like an adolescent Howdy Doody. Or Richie Cunningham from “Happy Days.”

So Betty and Archie will marry.

Veronica will just have to hang tough until she and Archie have an affair after Betty gives birth to octuplets.

Then Jughead will rat Archie out to Betty, who will then file for divorce. Because there are no pre-nups in comicbook land, Archie will have to finally get a job that doesn’t involve bagging groceries to pay child support.

Archie will try to convice Veronica that she was really his first choice all along and propose to her. Then with all that money he’ll be able to handle the alimony payments and keep his grocery store job.

But no dice. Veronica will have had her cake and eaten it too. She’ll come out on top, having destroyed the lives of two malt shop addicts from the middle-class. It’s always a win-win situation for the rich.

Archie will eventually turn to alcohol on his road to perdition before finally settling in Sin City — where he’ll try his hand at being a character in search of substance in a graphic novel.

He’ll discover his dark side after he hooks up with Tarantino, a fast-talking pop culture pack rat who trains Nazi ninjas. Archie will become his apt pupil.

He and the ninjas will return to Riverdale and wipe out the entire community.

He’ll save Veronica for last. And it will be a beauty, because his revenge has no sequel….

Ida, the 47-million-year-old fossil that was discovered recently, is considered to be the missing link between monkey and man.

That lets Olympic multi-gold medalist Michael Phelps off the hook.

Ida has human-like features, like fingernails. She was also the first cougar and has since been hitting on the mummy of Tut, the boy king.

The astronauts recently toasted their new drink in space — their recycled urine.

Remember back in the day when Tang was the preferred drink of the space race pilots?

If they got drunk on the stuff it would be the ultimate definition of getting pissed.

Let’s hope they don’t bottle the stuff and market it. If they did,here’s some brand names that could be used:

A. Numero Uno

B. Sunpisst

C. Pee Diddy

D. Peri-tinkle, a hybrid of Perrier and the real stuff.

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