The apology tour

OK, where were we.

Oh ya, GOP South Carolina Gov. Mark “No country for older men” Sanford.

Last week the Luv Gov held a press conference that was longer than a Cecil B. DeMille Biblical movie. He stuttered his way to an apology. Finally.

Before anybody really knew what he was going to say, it took him eight minutes to admit to having an affair with a woman in Argentina.

Mark — booby — it only took George W. Bush 7 minutes after being told that the country had been attacked on 9-11 before he got up and stopped reading “My Pet Goat” to schoolkids.

In newspaper talk, Sanford buried the lead.

If not his career in politics.

Seems like that would’ve been enough to seal his fate and provide fodder for late-night comics (Letterman’s was best — he said Sanford had an affair with an Argentine woman. Once again, Letterman concluded, a foreigner has to do a job no American wants.)

But no. There are e-mails written by Sanford to the lovely Maria.

And those e-mails would make Madonna blush. Well, maybe not Madonna — but certainly Mike Huckabee.

Here’s a line from the many e-mails that could become part of the vernacular when joking about the next politician to get caught with his pants down: “I love your tan lines.”

Yep, the Palmento Philanderer used that line. Pretty good, huh? Try it sometime at a bar and see where it gets you, Lothario.

And let’s not forget the highly charged eroticism of the New South’s new Henry Miller:

“The beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself)”

Subtle, yet degenerate. One could hardly contain what they had for lunch after reading that one.

One last Hallmark passage, just in case that wasn’t a barf but only a dry heeve:

“Please sleep soundly knowing that despite the best efforts of my head my heart cries out for you, your voice, your body, the touch of your lips, the touch of your finger tips and an even deeper connection to your soul.”


What’s needed here is Billy Crystal as Fernando saying: “Yoooo look marvelous.”

Never put anything in an e-mail you wouldn’t want read on TV by Keith Olbermann.

Naturally the Luv Guv is now hoping for remorse and reconcilliation.

He says he won’t resign.

Who cares? It’s South Carolina — they should be glad he wasn’t having an affair with his sister. Lord knows they’re surprised.

Sanford is just another of the many politicians forced to go on the apology tour because he got caught fiddling about with “the other woman.”

All the chatter on the idiot box since this broke resulted in one main theme: This isn’t a Democratic or Republican problem. It’s a man problem.

Dana Perino, the half-wit who was W.’s press secretary in his last year as almost commander-in-chief, said Sanford’s affair is living proof that more women need to be elected to public office.

That’s right. Generalize about we dudes.

Ya, Dana, and no woman can be president because they all get PMS.

Maybe Dana — or better yet, Anne Coulter — can ride this “women don’t cheat, so elect them,” to the top of the twin peaks of politics in 2010.

They can use this slogan: “We don’t have peckers, so we can’t be home wreckers.”

You’d think Perino and her lot would be satisfied with hearing men apologize.

How often does that happen? Especially from politicians.

Hell, we’re doing more apologizing than lying these days.

You women think we men have it so easy.

Not so. Especially if we vote Republican and live in one of those red states, where the divorce rate and subscription to porn is prominate in 8 of the 10 that went for McCain in 2008 (paging Mistress Palin).

And if that isn’t disturbing enough, rumor has it that there’s a sex tape out there with John Edwards and that filmmaker he was boffing.

A Democrat, yes, but also a Southerner like Sanford.

These guys are trying too hard to prove that the South shall rise again…..

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2 Responses to The apology tour

  1. uncle_vito says:

    Apology Tour? Thought you were talking about Obama how he made that trip to most countries of the world apologizing for perceived slights by the Bush administration.

    All Obama did is show weakness and ‘ask’ terrorist countries to attack us to see what will happen. 80% chance that Obama would do nothing.

    Bush at least invaded 2 countries after 9/11 and we have been safe since.

    Obama is a disaster.


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