Odds and ends

New this week, the liberals are mad as heck and are fighting back.

They’re so up in arms, they’ll probably write a devastating op-ed column in the New York Times.

Rain Man want public option! Rain Man want public option!

The problem with the left is they still believe the pen is mightier than the sword.

Trouble with that is in today’s world — now more than ever — you can run out of ink long before ever running out of bullets.

Case in point, at town hall meetings conducted by President Obama, there are more people in the crowds outside packing heat than there are newspaper reporters jotting down notes on one of those yellow legal pads.

What’s this about traces of cocaine found on U.S. currency?

Sure, it’s from all those damn movie stars and rock and rollers from the ’70s, ’80s and ’90s rolling up those Benjamins and snorting lines of the tootski.

So at one time or another we may have handled traces of cocaine.

Like that old “WKRP in Cincinnati” TV episode when The Big Guy Mr. Carlson, who ran the radio station, thought some deejay’s bag of cocaine was foot powder.

After he put some of the coke on his tootsies and found out what it was, he freaked out. Couldn’t feel his leg and all.

Makes one wonder why our founding fathers wore “powdered” wigs. And what kind of powder was it really?

Imagine Ben Franklin, who was sort of a super freak of his time, doing a line — on the Declaration of Independence!?

If that’s the case, then John Hancock probably did most of the blow —- what with his signature being the most profound.

You know what they say about illegal drugs like cocaine —- they give you a false sense of thinking that you’re bigger than you are.

Same with prescription drugs, right Jabba?

Republican Sen. John “Lothario of Lake Tahoe” Ensign of Nevada —- the guy who was schlepping his best friend’s wife, who also worked on his, uh, staff, and whose mommy and daddy paid his mistress $96,000 as a “gift” —- told the Associated Press that his affair wasn’t as bad as Bill Clinton’s.

Ensign said he paid for his indiscretion. No, mommy and daddy did. You child.

As a congressman, Ensign said President Clinton should be impeached for what he put the country through.

You know, like peace and prosperity.

President Obama, speaking with sort-of-conservative radio talk show host Michael Smerconish on Friday, said he’ll never tell what’s in the fabled national book of secrets that only presidents get to see.

Here are a few things that have been known to be in that book of secrets:

1. Richard Nixon not only talked to the portraits of the presidents on the walls of the White House, he also used to flash them.

2. William Howard Taft, our heftiest president, used to sit on members of his Cabinet who disagreed with him.

3. Area 51, the secret place, is not an urban legend. It does really exist — but it didn’t always house space aliens. When Kennedy was president, he used to keep his mistresses there. But back then it was known as, you guessed it, Area 69.

4. After hours, Millard Fillmore often liked to parade around the White House as Mildred Fillmore.

5. Chester A. Arthur spoke in tongues when he delivered his inaugural address.

6. Mr. FBI director himself, J. Edgar Hoover, came up with the expression “packing Rods”

7. Ronald Reagan even dyed his back hair.

8. Teddy Roosevelt was once served a restraining order because he was getting too frisky with a bull moose.

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10 Responses to Odds and ends

  1. MJP says:

    You are certanly no Dennis Miller “Bluto Bruno.”

    The references you use in your “jokes” just aren’t as good or as obscure.

    Who does the copy editing for such an esteemed copy editor? Whoever it is, he or she is doing a VERY poor job. Your drivel has no journalistic integrity whatsoever.

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