The Teddy problem

Like those "Halloween" and "Nightmare on Elm Street" horror movies, Dick Nixon tapes keep coming back to haunt us.

In the wake of the death of Teddy Kennedy last week, still another tape from the inner sanctum of President Zombie surfaced.

This time it was living proof of his deep-seeded paranoia that Teddy Kennedy would run against him in 1972. Tricky Dicky was out to get another Kennedy before another Kennedy got him.

Nixon was hoping his goons could somehow catch Teddy cheating on his wife.

Seriously, around that time, how hardcould that have been?

In any event, here's a possible example of how that discussion would have gone with Nixon taping the conversation with his main henchman, H.R. Haldeman:

Nixon: Looks like my getting down on my knees and praying with Kissinger isn't working this time. Teddy bear is still a threat. What does he have to do to convince me a Kennedy isn't running for president against me in '72?

Haldeman: Kissinger?

Nixon: No, God. I've always been a believer. After all, my mother is a saint, you know.

Haldeman: Yes sir.

Nixon: Unlike his brothers, this Kennedy looks like he's got nine lives. Chappaquiddick didn't work. Ironic, isn't it,even with all that time spent on the water up there in "Cape Odd" he still couldn't save a drowning harlot. {laughs oddly} If I didn't know any better, I'd say this is one Kennedy brother who knows how to dodge a bullet.

Haldeman: He's a Kennedy ---- they all fool around on their wives. It's as much a part of their social fabric as Irish Whiskey.

Nixon: Or touch football. What's the point of that? If you play football, you tackle. The objective is to crush your opponent. None of this namby-pamby stuff.

Haldeman: Liberal elitist Harvard buddy ball.

Nixon: Can't we set him up --- the media catching him cheating on his wife? Where's Marilyn Monroe when you need her? Sinatra's finally in our corner. He can get one of those Mafia broads. He did it for Jack. Besides, the Mafia owes me one.

Haldeman: More than that, Mr. President.

Nixon: But these things have to be done .... delicately.

Haldeman: I'll get right on it.

Nixon: No. Give this one to that new operative .... What's that guinea's name? The one who took care of Sinatra's Mia Farrow problem. Clemeza, that's it. Give this one to Clemenza.

Haldeman: Consider it done.

Nixon: Just once I'd like to run for the presidency without a damn Kennedy breathing down my neck. I won't be the Sad Sack who lost to two Kennedy brothers! They're like damn cockroaches ---- keep coming out of the woodwork. Catholics. This is one time I'm in favor of the Pill.

Haldeman: Agreed, sir. If that's it, just one more thing. Gov. Reagan's in town tonight. The Mitchell's are throwing him a party in Georgetown. Will you be making an appearance?

Nixon: What's tonight... Friday? No, on Friday's Pat and I watch that English fellow on that BBC news show. He's tough.

Haldeman: For a Brit.

Nixon: No, no. He's tough. Not Nixon tough, mind you. But a hell of an inquisitor.

Haldeman: You're talking about David Frost.

Nixon: Yes, Frost. Glad he's not over here asking me questions at a press conference.

Haldeman: You'd never fold under pressure, Mr. President.

Nixon: Still, I'd welcome the challenge.

Haldeman: Too bad for him he'll never get the chance.

Nixon: Yes. Something like that only happens in the movies.....