Animal White House

“Have a non-alcoholic brew. Don’t cost you nothing.”

George W. Bush is Bluto Blutarsky and Dick Cheney is Dean Vernon Wormer in the Bush administration’s version of “Animal White House.”

According to a new tell-all behind-the-scenes book at the Bushy years, “Speech-less”, author Matt Latimer, a low-level speech writer for the former president, said the White House was run more like a frat house.

“I pledge allegiance to the White House frat

to promise to do this and then do that.

and to the Republicans for dodging issues ‘cos it’s all baloney —-

one nation, under one God, taking liberties with torture, and getting justice for our cronies.”

Apparently, W. didn’t have many good things to say about the people who were going to occupy the Oval Office after his term thankfully came to an end.

Democrats and Republicans took an equal amount of lampooning from the man who single-handedly made lampooning by others an art form.

W. thought Hillary Clinton was going to get elected and reportedly remarked “Wait till her fat [expletive deleted] sits behind this desk.”

Bill and Hillary Clinton are Boon and Katie, the college sweethearts torn between Katie wanting Boon to be a serious student so one day he can become president and pave the way for her to be the first female president, and Boon just wanting to party with the Deltas, scoring with the babes, getting drunk and smoking pot but not inhaling.

W. also took aim at then-candidate Barack Obama, calling him “A cat with no clue.” You might think W. was channeling the late, great Sammy Davis Jr. talking such urbanese.

Barack Obama is Otis Day of Otis Day and the Knights, who sings “I Make Republicans Want To Shout” at the Bush White House toga party, held in conjuction with the visit by Pope Benedict XVI.

Bush showed no mercy when it came to John McCain’s selection of Sarah “Death Panels” Palin as his running mate.

W. said she wasn’t even remotely prepared for the office she might obtain. Then he added, “What is she, the governor of Guam?”

Hokey-smokes, W. is beginning to look like it stands for Wise.

McCain stars as Mayor Carmine DePasto, who convinces the president to buy one of his Oldsmobiles because General Motors —- which will always be fundamentally sound —- will never put the Olds out to pasture.

Sarah Palin is Mandy Pepperidge, the hot cheerleader with many beauty pageant titles already under her belt.

Mandy is secretly in love with the ladies man of the frat house, Otter, played by South Carolina Gov. Mark “Love your tan lines” Sanford.

Comedy ensues when the two are caught hiking the Old Appalachian Trail by Mandy’s impotent suitor Greg Marmalade, who doesn’t believe in pre-marital sex and takes his mind off of doing the dirty deed by manufacturing ways of getting back at Otter.

Cast in the role of Gregg: GOP House Minority Wimp, er, Whip John Boehner.

In the book, Bush finally took some responsibility. “I re-defined the Republican Party,” he said to no one in particular.

This gets Dean Wormer riled up, thinking that Bluto is actually smartening up. He wants to keep the frat boy away from the important stuff.

So Dean Wormer enlists the war-monger, eternal sergeant at arms himself Douglas C. Nedemeyer (played by former Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge) to roll into action.

Nedemeyer creates a color chart to inform people of terror alert stages, which keeps Bluto mesmerized for the duration of his presidency.

The end credits show what happened to the players, because a good cast is worth repeating:

Dean Wormer went on to become a Realtor who sells unseen undisclosed locations to frightened people who he convinces will be in harm’s way and live in a country that will be attacked again because he’s no longer in power.

Carmine DePasto went on to run General Motors, AIG and an Indian casino in Temeculah.

Otter eventually got married, got elected as a governor, cheated on his wife and went to Argentina during Father’s Day weekend and got it on with a hot babe. You can’t make this stuff up.

Boon and Katie are still together until both of them get to serve as president. Or until they both get caught with their pantsuits down.

Bluto got to retire at a relatively young age. He gets to ride his dirt bike a lot. Wants to write his memoirs. Works a lot with a gay interior decorator who has fabulous ideas for the Incompetence Wing of his presidential library.

Every once in a while he thinks about his hero, the little-known philosopher Emile Faber.

It was Faber’s words Bluto always thought got him to the highest peak of any profession: “Knowledge is good.”

To which W. would often add: “But too much thinkin’ ain’t as good as gettin’ stinkin.’”

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12 Responses to Animal White House

  1. MJP says:

    Oh, boy, Little Johnny Bruno, you’re watching that “Animal House” ladder scene at Mandy’s window again. You know what that does to you, John.

    Hope it doesn’t kindle that urge of yours, a threesome with Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow.

    Do us a favor, John, make Rachel wear a condom…if you got pregnant, we’d have to deal with another idiot in this world.

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