Dave’s dilemma

Minions of “Death Panels” Palin —- or Palinistas as some refer to them —– are saying in essence that David Letterman’s dilemma involving his being blackmailed is retribution brought on by a higher power.

No, not Jabba the Butt Limbaugh. You know, the Big Guy in the sky.

Letterman is reaping what he sews, followers of the Goddess of Grandstanding are chortling.

God is punishing the old perv for getting personal with the Alaskan Avalanche of Awesomeness and her vestal virgin daughters.

Right after that feud with “Death Panels” started, there were “Fire Dave” rallies outside the Ed Sullivan Theatre where Letterman tapes his show.

Palinistas came out in full force (about 50 of them) to try to put an American out of work over a joke for which he later apologized.

That worked about as well as the McCain-Palin campaign in 2008.

Dave pressed on. And got in deep doo-doo again —out of no fault of his own.

Turn about being fair play, he is the victim this time.

As he joked on his show on Monday: “I may be the first talk show host to be impeached.”

Letterman has had his problems with famous women over the years.

Oprah —- who likes everybody —- still seems to have reservations about Dave. And if you’re in the bidness of show and can’t get along with Oprah, you’ve got to be a douchebag.

Cher called him an A-hole on his show years ago and hasn’t been back since. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Cher is a fossil —- as Dave eludes to in jokes he occasionally makes about her age (she is only a year older than Letterman.)

Madonna and Dave have also had an icy cold relationship over the years, although she showed up on his show last week. Funny thing that —- it was the night before Dave dropped the bombshell about his being squeezed for $2 million.

The Material Girl, who, by the way didn’t perform (musically) on the show, seemed to still be uneasy in the company of Dave. If body language is any indication —- and if anybody knows about body language, it’s Madonna — she sat awkwardly in the chair next to him and seldom looked him in the eye.

Dave even asked her “Do you like me?”

She gave a pedestrian answer —- something like, I’ve been on your show eight times.

The two eventually went next store to the theater to a pizza joint. Because nothing says bury the hatchet like a cheese and pepperoni pie. What, there wasn’t an Olive Garden nearby?

One wonders if Letterman’s PR savvy wasn’t at work here. He knew what was coming the next night on his show. The extortion attempt didn’t happen overnight. And to soften Dave’s image, he had a nemisis of sorts in Madonna on the night before.

Whether Madonna was in on it is irrelevant —- though one might suspect that show biz people help their own in mysterious ways. That is, when they don’t crave the publicity.

Letterman was smart to got out in front of the scandal and so far he has the critics and the public on his side. The public does love a good scandal.

And his ratings have improved dramatically. Poor Conan O’Brien, first the Palin-Letterman feud overshadows his debut as new host of “The Tonight Show.” And now this.

O’Brien even suffered a concussion on his show several days ago. Now that’s a real trooper. But sorry, Conan, not sexy enough. Now if you suffered a concussion while having sex with a female staffer….

So what’s next for Dave?

The alleged blackmailer’s attorney says there’s sexual harassment charges looming against Dave.

So expect Fox Noose to start badgering the late night talk show king. They’re not going to let him get away with what he did to insult their cover girl and her daughters.

Stay tuned for Fox Noose’s Minister of Propaganda Glenn “Goebbels” Beck when he comes up with some insane conspiracy theory that includes President Obama:

“Just a coincidence that the Celebrity-in-Chief was on with Letterman only days before the scandal broke? I think not, America. He went on the show to tell Letterman that he would take care of it and that Dave should announce the plot on TV so his ratings could improve. Anything to help the liberals who rule at CBS, which stands for Clinton + Barack = Socialism.”

And how does Dave sustain his support and keep the ratings going in his favor? Well……

1. Do the show everynight dressed as a vampire. The blood-suckers are in. Dave can conduct interviews with vampires. There could be Stupid vampire tricks.

2. Your mom should be on more often doing Top Ten Lists, with subjects like “Top Ten Reasons Why Dave Never Had Second Dates.” Or, “Top Ten Things Dave Used to Do when He thought No one was Looking.” His mom is popular with his fan base and is considered to be a saint just for bringing him into the world.

3. More stuff with monkeys —- like getting an animal trainer to round up several of them to stand outside the Ed Sullivan Theatre holding “Fire Dave” picket signs. Wait. That was already done.

4. Stop apologizing already. You’re a comedian, not a liberal, tree-hugging,global warming fearmonger, America-isn’t-as-great-as-it-thinks-it-is, tax and spend Democrat president.

5. Keep slammin’ “Death Panels” every chance you get. Sure, idiots are easy punchlines —- that’s why they’re idiots. Don’t look a gift (behold a Palin) horse in the mouth.

This just in: Jabba the Butt Limbaugh wants to buy the winless NFL St. Louis Rams.

That means Jabba the Butt would own a team whose symbol is an animal that butts horns with each other.

Just like the Butt’s Butt-pluggers do.

This also means Fox Sports will have to start showing Rams games every week or Fox News will feel the heat from Jabba.

The bubble-headed bleach blondes who “report” the news on Fox will be cheerleaders.

Dennis Miller can attempt to broadcast NFL games again and use analogies that are such a stretch he could play the lead role in Plasticman. Wait, was that an analogy, babe?

And Jabba will make sure if any black quarterback makes the team he will have to have benefitted from Affirmative Action.

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4 Responses to Dave’s dilemma

  1. Bucky says:

    Mom: “Top Ten Reasons Why Dave Never Had Second Dates.” You need to be writing for a show. Dang that’s good.

    Sorry, I’m supposed to be sarcastic and clever but my nemesis from Whittier hasn’t logged in yet.

    — Cheers, Bucky

  2. MJP says:

    For a copy editor of two newspapers you sure do go on and on and on and on and on…about nothing. Who’s watching the foxes in the hen house?

    The Los Angeles Newspaper Group needs its own Death Panel: “Bruno, your column is now DEAD. It is no more.”

  3. paul C in PA says:


    You left out the reference to Rush’s listenership, Beck’s viewership, and how great Sarah Palin is. They’re going to kick you out of the right wing if you keep missing the talking points.

    Shame on you.

  4. Bucky says:

    Sorry so late in getting back here to read the “MJP of the Day” but now that I’m reading it, I see it lacks in texture, flavor and taste. Kind of like a Big Mac … but that’s a later BrunOp. :)

    — The Buckster

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