Next time you check into a hotel, check the Bible.

If it’s too liberal in its translation, then who you gonna call? Biblebusters.

That’s right, you hethen Obamaites.

This lunatic right wing-nut blog called Conservapedia has decided that liberal bias has become the single biggest distortion in Bible translations as of late.

The people behind this lunacy think liberals are emasculating Christianity.

You know, like trying to give women a more important role in the Bible rather than just being whores and temptresses.

There is no mention of feminism in the Bible, Bella Abzug-breath. “Feminism seeks to impose humanistic solutions that are in direct opposition to the Word of God,” staunch Bible-thumpin’ conservatives bellow.

Humanistic values. Humanism is a call for human dignity, concerns, capability and rationality.

God created someone who came up with that concept. Think his name was Jesus.

By the way, liberals are inclined to believe that Jesus himself professed feminism.

No way, Jose. Jesus actually bench-pressed things he used to make as a carpenter. And he invented karate.

He wasn’t a peacenik, although he did have long blonde hair and blue eyes (rather unusual in that part of the world at that time; but maybe it was more like Utah then) —- and he looked more like Chuck Norris than a frail hippie.

Moving on. Conservapedia wants to utilize powerful conservative terms.

Update words like “peace” they say. Ya, that word is used too much in the New Testament. Concentrate more on the war stuff. Instead of “Peace be with you” make it more like “You wanna piece of me!”

Stop the liberal translation of the Bible that worships socialism. If God wanted America to follow socialism we’d never bathe that often and smoke cigarettes everywhere. But enough about Mississippi.

Example of liberals using socialistic terminology: liberals don’t use the word volunteer as much as they do comrade. Comrade? That’s commie talk, ain’t it?

Volunteerism is a bad word to liberals because it implies that you want to help the less fortunate without getting paid for it.

Conservatives are more sympathetic to volunteers — especially those who work behind the scenes volunteering to give their candidates a whole lot of money to tell lies about health care reform so pharmaceutical companies can make more money and help put more conservatives in power.

Been saved yet?

Conservapedia also aims to “express free market parables.”

Jesus wasn’t upset because the moneychangers were turning the temple into a marketplace. Quite the opposite. He helped them lobby for the real meaning of a free-market.

Thus, moneychangers shall now be known as lobbyists.

And how about those liberal falsehoods. Oy!

Jesus did not say “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” Jesus did know what they were doing. Duh! Forgive them? You don’t have to forgive anybody if you’ve got the last word, buddy.

Conservapedia also wants to squash the term “social justice.” Why? Well besides having the word social in it (does that make conservatives anti-social?) it also implies that the law always lets minorities off the hook.

As for that famous passage, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone,” when Jesus saves a woman accused of being an adultress (there’s another role in the Bible for women), that would never have happened, Conservapedia would say.

To them it would probably be something like, “Let he who got stoned with this woman get in a car and drive over the bridge in Chappaquiddick.”

No telling when Conservapedia thinks the world will come to an end. A lot of the followers of this nonsense believe it will be soon.

Even George W. Bush believes that. And he did his part to inch it toward that final goal.

Since the Antichrist is now in power, it could be sooner than we think.

There’s even a blasphemous movie called “2012” which is a special effects popcorn flick that uses as its compass the end of the Mayan calendar —– Dec. 21, 2012 —- to mean the end of the world.

Just another doomsday scenario for Hollyweird to make a gazillion dollars on, you say.

And how accurate have those Mayans been over the centuries anyway?

They don’t even have cable.

Just in case, if you’re still around in 2012 —– and there will be a mass media countdown to that day —- it will come to pass if:

The Chicago Cubs finally win The World Series in October, and Sarah Palin is elected president in November.

If those two things happen, God just might say: “OK, that does it….”

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