The Goddess of Gab and the Pageant Princess of Politics will meet for the first time next month when Oprah interviews Sarah “Death Panels” Palin.
It’s the most anticipated meeting of two powerful personalities since Frost-Nixon. Or when Baba WaWa interviewed Kate Hepburn and asked her what kind of tree she’d like to be.
The only way to top it is if Oprah can somehow manage to get Jon and Kate, the Octomom and Balloon Boy on the same show.
Another coup for the most famous woman in America whose first name is dyslexic for Harpo. Or is it the other way around?
The estrogen ego engagement is open to an array of possibilities. The Ying and Yang of Yakking could take on such subject matter as:
1. The two of them downing shots of Southern Comfort and then see who could pass a sobriety test by doing some fancy pageant walkin’.
2. Talk about what a dweeb Letterman is.
3. Come to blows after arguing which one did more to get Obama elected president.
4. Agree on a future Oprah show about how women can make tons of money by actually quitting a job people elected them to do.
5. Palin could jump up and down on Oprah’s couch while professing her true love for herself.
Then it would be time for the interview. Who knows, part of it might go something like this:
Oprah: Hey, girl, glad to finally meet you.
Palin: I bet it is.
Oprah: There’s so much to talk about. But let me start by asking, where is Sarah Palin right now?
Palin: I’m a non-stop newsmaking money machine.
Oprah: Your book “Going Rogue” certainly proves that. You know it’s going to be in Oprah’s Book Club.
Palin: What an honor for the both of us. When does the club meet? And we don’t have to discuss any other books we might have to read, do we?
Oprah: No. You just get your publisher to put the sticker on the book so more women will be suckered into buying it and believing everything in it because I told them to.
Palin: Sounds easy enough. I can deal with that.
Oprah: Speaking of dealing —– you’ve had to deal with a lot of things since you were thrust onto the national stage.
Palin: It’s all a part of being a woman in what men still think is a man’s world.
Oprah: So you’re saying it’s not a man’s world after all?
Palin: We just let them do all the heavy lifting so they can die before us. Then we take off from that and run our lives the way we want to.
Oprah: You’re on to something there, sister girlfriend. Men don’t even have an equivalent to me. Not that there could ever be an equivalent to me —– hey, write that down as a possible theme for a show. But let’s talk about your marriage. It’s strong. How do you make it work?
Palin: Todd is in good shape for a man his age —- but he knows he can’t outrun me when I’m in a helicopter with my AK-47.
Oprah: Ever thought about straying?
Palin: Hokey-smokes, no! That’s like asking me if I ever thought of becoming a Democrat. Besides, you know what they say: why go out for a veggie sandwich when you’ve got moose at home.
Oprah: You’re a star on the political stage, and men find you hot. I’ve even referred to you as a MILF. How do you deal with that?
Palin: I always thought MILF meant McCain Is Like a Father. Then Bristol told me what it meant. I think it’s the TV culture that makes everybody think about s-e-x. Hey, I know I’m hot. But what can I do. I’m not going to be like Hillary Clinton and wear pantsuits and look like someone’s worst nightmare blind date. I’m getting better with age. That comes from good, Christian living.
Oprah: So you’re OK with men fantasizing about you?
Palin: Can’t do anything about it. But if they try to act on it, it’s a karate chop right in the junk.
Oprah: Works everytime. Now about you and your politics. You’ve made it clear that your kids are off limits.
Palin. Ya. Unless I need to use them to advance my political agenda.
Oprah: Which you’ve done.
Palin: You bet’cha. Ask that perv Letterman.
Oprah: Will you ever go on his show?
Palin: When H-e-double hockey sticks freezes over.
Oprah: You’ve said some pretty nasty things about President Obama when he was candidate Obama. Do you regret any of them?
Palin: I stand by everything I was told to say about him.
Oprah: Do you really believe his health care plan would include death panels —- pulling the plug on granny?
Palin: I think we don’t want to take a chance on it and find out if it’s true or not.
Oprah: OK, enough of the serious stuff. Before we go to break, let’s play the game “This one, or that one.”
Palin: I’m as ready as a bald eagle dodging buckshot.
Oprah: OK, first up: ESPN sportscaster or senator from Alaska?
Palin: No contest. Get it. That’s a sports pun. Give me hockey highlights over cap and trade anyday.
Oprah: Beyonce or Sheryl Crow?
Palin: All I want to do is have some fun…
Oprah: Clooney or Pitt?
Palin: Pitt. Only because he’s a dad with a lot of kids and doesn’t care if he has more. Clooney is too Hollyweird liberal. And he has creepy eyebrows. When he gets older he’s going to look like Andy Rooney.
Oprah: Thongs or granny panties?
Palin: That sounds more like one of the 10 at 10 questions Jay Leno would ask Justin Timberlake.
Oprah: Should we take that as a no comment?
Palin: I’m from Alaska, so longjohns —- in fact, I have a pair with the MSNBC logo on the trap door.
Oprah: OK, now for the big question: are you planning to run for president in 2012?
Palin: Too soon to say. I’m still testing the waters to see if I can walk on them. And we’ll see how this book thing goes.
Oprah: And how Mr. Obama does as president. Good or bad, you can’t deny he’s already made history.
Palin: You bet’cha. But history can change in the wink of an eye…..