There’s no Halloween in Heaven

It’s appropriate that Michael Jackson’s last performance (in rehearsal) was made into a movie and released close to Halloween.

There was always something macabre about Jackson —- and that’s not taking into consideration the “Thriller” video.

The guy always looked like he not only just saw a ghost, but became so pale looking he came off ghastly.

Then there was Whacko wanting to purchase the Elephant Man’s bones. Creepy.

It came as no surprise that his family took so long to bury the guy. Jackson seemed to live in a masoleum anyway.

His movie “This is It” is at first glance appropriately title, being his final performance. But if you think this is it as far as making money on Jackson post-mortum, human nature ought to convince you the leeches in the business won’t stop till they get enough.

This is the first year Michael has to spend Halloween in Heaven. Right now, he’s discussing just that fact with former President Richard Nixon.

MJ: I love me some Halloween. Next to Christmas Day, it’s my most favorite time of year because it’s when all the little children are at their happiest. Do they celebrate Halloween in Heaven, Mr. Richard Nixon?

Nixon: Hell if I know. I’ve never been a Halloween guy. I’ve worn enough real masks in my life.

MJ: I remember when I was just a little child someone wanted me to wear a mask of you, Mr. Richard Nixon, but I said, “Oh, no. That’s too scary. I want to be Cinderella.”

Nixon: No doubt. I’ve never been a big fan of little children either. I scared dogs and children. Children smell funny and they can’t vote. I’m glad they have their own section in Heaven away from us adults.

MJ: Not me Mr. Richard Nixon. I thought when I got to Heaven I could spend all of eternity with all kinds of children.

Nixon: Like hell.

MJ: Oh, no, Mr. Richard Nixon, Heaven could never seem like Hell to me. If you were happy in your life, then you’ll be happy no matter what Heaven is like.

Nixon: That explains me then.

MJ: Mr. Richard Nixon, I spent my whole life making people happy. And rich too, but we won’t go there. Anyway, maybe if we sang a song together it will make you happy.

Nixon: Kid, I’ve been up here for a while and nothing’s worked so far. So I don’t think singing a song will cut it.

MJ: Maybe if we did a song and dance.

Nixon: Ah, I don’t know… Nixon doesn’t soft shoe.

MJ: Liza taught me that even the most curmudgeonry of men feel happy and gay when they dance.

Nixon: Ya, then she married those guys.

MJ: You know what I think? I think the world never knew the real Mr. Richard Nixon.

Nixon: Oh yes they did.

MJ: Fiddley-dee! For my first Halloween in Heaven, I’m going to dress up Mr. Richard Nixon and introduce him to the afterlife as a song and dance man.

Nixon: You’ve watched “Young Frankenstein” one too many times, haven’t you? I’m not singing “Putting on the Ritz.”

MJ: You’ll be the talk of Paradise! A brand new Mr. Richard Nixon!

Nixon: I don’t think even Paradise can stand to hear the phrase “The New Nixon” again.

MJ: C’mon, Mr. Richard Nixon, I sang a duet with Sir Paul McCartney and finally got him back to the top of the charts.

Nixon: My grandkids used to listen to that song all the time, and I remember thinking, you’d think that people would’ve had enough of silly love songs.

MJ: Trust me, Mr. Richard Nixon. I’m the King of Pop!

Nixon: Wait until you’ve been here awhile and see where that gets you. Elvis is still spending the bulk of his time with Hubert Humphrey. Must be punishment for making all those gawd awful movies.

MJ: I know this is Heaven and all, but it needs cheering up. I thought there’d be harps and angels singing and Halloween candy and children. Lots and lots of children. As far as infinity would allow.

Nixon: Just because you’re in Heaven doesn’t mean you can get what you want when you want it. Kind of like dealing with Congress, but on a much higher level. I’ve been trying to meet my hero T.R. —- that’s Teddy Roosevelt —- for what seems like an eternity. The closest I got was Groucho Marx in a Rough Riders outfit.

MJ: I had Halloween all planned at Neverland Ranch. Oodles of peanut butter cups and candy corn and Jesus Juice.

Nixon: Jesus Juice? Forget it, I don’t want to know. Kid, I gotta tell ya, there’s probably not going to be any Halloween in Heaven. Too many satanic references. Living dead. Ghosts. Goblins. Not exactly part of the Good Book.

MJ: But that’s not fair, Mr. Richard Nixon. I wanted to perform “Thriller” for the angels and hope that by some divine intervention the little children who are somewhere where I can’t get at them would see it too.

Nixon: I don’t know what to tell you kid. I’ve been here a long time and all it’s been is one-on-one conversation with people I wouldn’t have been aligned with in life. But at least the climate’s nice.

MJ: You mean……

Nixon: Uh-huh, this is it…….

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