Remember when your mom told you to always wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident and have to go to the hospital?
The latest attempt at terrorism in our friendly skies created a lot of interesting scenarios.
One of those scenarios involves underwear.
Richard Reid the shoe-bomber created such a ScareAmerica airliner fright that everytime we went through airport security we had to remove our shoes.
This bomber stuffed explosives in his boxer shorts so, what, are we all going to have to go through a strip search and remove our underwear?
If so, here are a few people you don’t want to be behind in line if that should turn out to be the rule of law:
1. Kirstie Alley (which would send you to the closest “Cheers” so you could knock down more than a few.)
2. Rosie O’Donnell (for all the obvious reasons.)
3. Rush “Jabba the Butt” Limbaugh (or his Butt-Plugs, who would be tail-gating their Messiah.)
4. Michael Moore (even if he’s only in line to make his next documentary, “Bowling for Fruit of the Loom.”)
5. Adam Lambert (if you’re a guy you don’t want to be in front of him)
DUBIOUS HOLLYWEIRD AWARDS
Worst Hollywood decisions of the decade:
1. Critics over-praising (bending over backwards?) of “Brokeback Mountain.”
2. Giving Renee Zelwegger an Oscar for anything.
3. Handing 11 Oscars (a clean sweeep) to “Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.”
4. Denzel Washington winning best actor for “Training Day” over (OK, he’s a jerk) Russell Crowe for “A Beautiful Mind” because you didn’t have the stones to award Denzel the golden statuette several years earlier for “Malcolm X.”
5. Movies made by and/or starring Sascha Baron Cohen, Judd Apatow, Will Ferrell and Jim Carrey.
Cohen and Apatow seem to be a little too infatuated with the male member and, in Cohen’s case, an insatiable appetite for the male anus. There is an audience for their humor and it’s not just limited to stereotypical San Francisco.
Ferrell and Carrey have lost their comic edge (which was limited to begin with) and rely on crude humor to disguise the fact that they are essentially one-note comics making the same movie time and again (Really, what’s the difference between Carrey’s “Liar, Liar” and “Yes Man”?)
Both are over-praised for being daring, when in reality they go overboard and do anything for a laugh.
6. Alec Baldwin and Justin Timberlake showing up everywhere. (Baldwin will be a co-host of the Oscars; Timberlake will be somewhere with Jay Leno to see who is the best at sucking up to the bigger celebs.)
7. Hero worshipping of dead celebrities —- for awarding Health Ledger a posthumous Oscar for playing the Joker because you felt guilty for not having given him the prize when he was alive and cavorting on “Brokeback Mountain.”
8. Giving the best song Oscar to “It’s Hard Out There for a Pimp.” This put all those lounge lizard singers in a quandry. Imagine an album called “Johnny Mathis sings Academy Award-winning songs: “Moon River,” “Over the Rainbow,” “It’s Hard out there for a Pimp.” OK, he’d get away with the worst song ever giving an Oscar if he performed a duet with Tom Jones.
9. Oscar-winning best pictures of the decade you really only need to see once in your entire lifetime: “Crash,” “Million-Dollar Baby,” “No Country for Old Men,” and “Chicago.”
10. Forgettable Oscar-winning performances of the decade: Philip Seymour Hoffman as “Capote”; Forest Whitaker in “The Last King of Scotland”; Sean Penn in “Milk” and “Mystic River”; Hilary Swank in “Million Dollar Baby”; Adrian Brody in “The Pianist,” and Nicole Kidman in “The Hours.”
TWO FOR THE SHOW
Even though the nominations for Academy Awards won’t be announced until next month, there are two sure odds-on-favorites who make prognosticators look like they know of what they speak:
1. It’s Sandra Bullock’s turn to win the best actress Oscar (for her performance in the mega-hit “The Blind Side.”)
Bullock, the middle-class guy’s Julia Roberts (meaning she’s not high-maintenance) has paid her dues by making a slew of movies over the last decade. True, a lot of them were forgettable, but most of them made money for their respective studios.
Besides, the last three Oscar winners in the lead role category have been actresses from foreign countries —- two Brits and, mon dieu!, and a mam-zell from France.
Bullock’s likely contenders will be two actresses in their first starring roles and perennial best actress nominee (who always puts on a courageous face when her name’s not called and every eventual winner pays tribute to her) Meryl Streep.
2. Over the years the Oscars have been condescending to the female of the species and always put on a false front (no pun intended) when they announce something insincere like this is the year of the woman at the Academy Awards.
Well, this year the Hollywood elite will finally put their cocaine money where their nostrils are:
Kathryn Bigelow will be the first woman to win the best director Oscar for her work on the Iraq war action-drama “The Hurt Locker.”
the best director Oscar race will have a lot of drama leading up to the opening of the envelope since Bigelow’s ex-husband James Cameron will likely be competing against her for his work on the technically ground-breaking blockbuster “Avatar.”
Bigelow’s “Hurt Locker” didn’t fare well at the box office when it was released earlier in the year, without fanfare. It only grossed some $12 million —- which was probably the catering bill for “Avatar.”
3. It’s a wide-open field for what movie will win the best picture Oscar. Suffice it to say that for now you can say the winner in this category is “Up in the Air.”