Lump of the Year

There were several nominees for the first annual Lump of the Year Award.
Jabba the Butt Limbaugh, a favorite target of this blog because it’s not hard to miss, is not nominated. That’s because the award is in his image. So you can take that for what you will as to what the award might look like.
1. One of the nominees for Lump was South Carolina Republican Congressman Joe “You Lie!” Wilson, the scrote who yelled those two words at President Obama earlier this year when the prez was addressing both Houses of Congress in the hallowed chambers while it was broadcast on primetime TV.
There’s nothing wrong with calling the president a liar, but there is a time and place in which to do so —- like after the president is through with his speech and to reporters covering comments from both sides of the aisle. You know, like post-game comments from players after a game.
It’s not that Wilson embarrassed himself — he’s from the South, which explains the disdain for anything not goober. So he’s the clear winner for Goober of the Year, barely edging out fellow South Carolinian Gov. Mark “hiking up the ol’ Appalacian Trail” Sanford, who was down Argentina way with his mistress over Father’s Day weekend.
And it’s not that “You Lie!” Wilson embarrassed his party —- the GOP has been an embarrassment all year. They have no ideas, they bow to Jabba the Butt as it’s defacto leader, they let whackos speak for them, and now the party is sucking up to a renegade McCarthy-laden party of tea-baggers (Dunkin’ Doh! Nuts?) who are even giving them the disrespect they keep earning.
2. Another Republican whack job who was a nominee for the year’s biggest Lump, and one not many could compare with is Minnesota Congresswoman Michele “They’re coming to take me away, ha! ha!” Bachmann. She could find conspiracy theories in what President Obama has for breakfast. She’s a prime example of what results from inbreeding. Bachmann’s theories are so far out there they could name a planet after her. Planet Berserko sounds about right. Not a bad idea to send her on that mission to Mars George W. Bush used to imagine. She might meet up with some of her relatives, because, at second thought, Bachmann is not of this Earth.
3. Republicans wouldn’t be anything in 2009 if it wasn’t for that Alaskan Avalanche of Awesomeness Sarah Palin. You know your party is in trouble when she’s the one who is considered tolerable.
Palin had a great year —- proving she wasn’t a lightweight. Her book’s a smash and who else could take the spotlight off of the over-coverage of Michael Jackson’s death?
So why is the gift that keeps on giving a nominee for Lump of the Year? Palin took the credit for the whole health care has “death panels” that want to kill granny scenario that got every lame-brain who thinks like her believing it. This actually sounds like something Bachmann would come up with and get news coverage. But she’s not in Palin’s league. Palin didn’t originate the “death panels” obscenity, but she took credit for it, and it became part of the lexicon — and voted the biggest lie of 2009. Which doesn’t affect someone like Palin who, after all, is a politician.
If anything, Palin keeps proving that you can fool some of the people all of the time.
4. He’s not a Republican, but he plays one on TV: Good ole Glenn “Goebbels” Beck, Fox Noose’s Minister of Propaganda. Palin’s male counterpart, in that they share the same following of frightened Americans who think that a fellow American is out to get them. Playing on peoples’ fears is a genre in itself. Don’t believe for one second that Beck is an entertainer, like critics of Jabba write him off to be. This guy is a demagogue — and a demented one at that.
There was a TV series back in the 1970s called “The Gong Show.” It was a juvenile piece of crap that featured no-talent people who would do anything to win on the show —- which featured panelists who would strike a gong to get the contestant to stop whatever nonsense they were performing. The show was an insult to the intelligence, so naturally it was a hit. Critics of the show panned it profusely —- some citing that the show marked the beginning of the end of civilization.
Beck is the offspring of “The Gong Show.”
5. All of the aforementioned are worthy contenders for Lump of the Year, but the hands-down winner — no contest — is Dick Cheney.
The former vice president is at it again saying President Obama is acting like we’re not at war. He didn’t mention the recent failed airline terrorism. Rightly so, since he was guilty —- by proxy — of instigating it.
By continuously aiding and abetting the enemy, as the Dickster continues to do by announcing to the world that America is not safe with Obama at the helm, expect more of these attempts on our safety. Dick-O.
As for Republicans calling for Homeland Security Chief Janet Napolitano to step down because her department was asleep at the switch? Bollocks. Condi Rice was watching football or something when she ignored “Bin Laden determind to attack the United States” a month before 9-11. And she eventually was named secretary of state.
As for Republicans criticizing the president for waiting three days before addressing the failed terrorism —- W. waited six days before he addressed the shoe-bomber Richard Reid ordeal. Couldn’t blame W. though, probably took him that long to finish reading “My Pet Goat” —- which he never got to do because he was so rudely interrupted on 9-11.
So Cheney is Lump of the Year. Congrats, fats. Keep the fear-mongering going. Keep saying the U.S. is weak and vulnerable. The guilt isn’t going away, is it, Dickey? You know, the attack that happened on your watch.
It’s up to you, lump, to protect us —- like you did prior to 9-11.
“Bin Laden determined to attack the United States.” Hope those words haunt you to your grave.
A proper epitath.
You could even have them etched on your tombstone.
Don’t worry, there will be enough room.
The monument you build to yourself will be as large as your Messianic Complex.
Lump.

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2 Responses to Lump of the Year

  1. greeper says:

    wow I just wasted a minute of my life reading this crude. I’ll never get that lost time back.. Funny how upset you libs are getting, seems you’re feeling the thumping that’s coming in the near future.

  2. Moran, Bugsy says:

    John, we’ve GOT to get you on video reading these columns.

    You would make Glenn BLechhh into a pale xerox copy of what a good incendiary political columnist should write and sound like.

    I’ll start a petition in the newsroom.

    – Bugsy

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