Senator-elect Scott Brown of Massachusetts was caucusing with his fellow Republicans on Thursday.
The media was only allowed to hear certain aspects of what went on in the sessions. No doubt, a lot of policy and strategizing took place.
But what of the things not heard during those meetings? The things Brown will learn from his fellow party members? Such as:
1. Practice yelling “You lie!” in time for your debut as the chosen one who will shout that out during President Obama’s the State of the Union address.
2. Knowing when to apologize to Rush Limbaugh whenever the defacto leader of the party says you have broken one of his commandments.
3. For the sake of the party and its STD mouth organ, Fox Noose, avoid telling the truth that you’d rather have root canal work done than be interviewed by Sean Hannity.
4. Put it out of your mind that men who drink the Kool-Aid and look forward in anger through Rush’s every word are googling your nude photo spread and are diddling themselves to it.
5. This is a real test of your own sanity and calm as a lawmaker and leader: When campaigning with or for Rep. Michele “Their coming to take me away, ha! ha!” Bachmann, use every ounce of your will power to stop yourself from strangling her.
6. Deflect everything that makes sense and is good for all Americans by frightening people by saying they’re going to be attacked again. Go ahead and lie, we’ve got them believing anything.
7. Remember the pharmaceutical companies, that’s why you’ve got this far. Our credo: It doesn’t matter how you get elected, just get elected. We’ve known all along what Big Pharma has known: keep the people drugged legally and they’ll be your lap dogs for life.
8. Now that we’ve got you, we don’t have to pander to Palin anymore. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re our Barack Obama. The Democrats ran him in 2008 to stop Hillary from getting the nomination. If we have to in 2012, we’ll run you. Imagine if that dimwit Palin got the nomination? Let her make money and go on TV. Help us keep her away from anything important.
9. OK, we know that you see yourself as a Republican JFK and probably philander around. Don’t take advantage of it. Republicans get away with it because people believe Jesus likes us better and we’re more convincing when we say we’re going to repent.
10. Say no to everything Obama tries to put across. It makes the Democrats think twice about whether they were right in the first place. If they were groundhogs they’d never come out of their holes —- they’re afraid of their own shadows. It’s really not fair. We could only have 10 senators and they still wouldn’t be able to agree on anything.
GIVE US YOUR TIRED, YOUR POOR, YOUR “AVAILABLE” DAUGHTERS
GOP Senator-elect Scott Brown started the ball rolling the other night when he said before a nationwide audience that his daughters were “available.”
Lucky for him he belongs to the Fox Noose-Tea Bagging Party (formerly known as the Republican Party), or else Jabba the Butt would be referring to him as Scotty Pimpin.
That means what he said about his daughters is OK. So now everybody wants to get into the act, advertising their “available” sugars and spices.
1. Dick Cheney: Daughter Liz (not the “other” one) is tough as nails, knows 100 different ways to kill a guy using only her mouth. Can keep you safe from a terrorist attack, by chance you’re attacked by a terrorist when you’re on a date. She’s still a virgin —- last tested on 1/16/10 in an undisclosed location by an OB/GYN who has since disappeared. She’s putty in the hands of a guy with a convincing snear.
2. Sarah Palin: The Fox Noose diva’s selling points for her eldest daughter (not the one that perv Letterman made fun of): She’s almost as pretty as her famous mom, and she’s all-girl. She loves unicorns, puppies, and AK-47s. True, she’s unwed, but she has a beautiful child (born in a manger, really!) Only drawback: the baby’s father is a retard.
3. The Bush Twins: Only the single one is available for now. The other one got married and has a decent job. As for the single one, she has a unique talent for opening beer bottles using only her two front teeth —- even though people keep telling her the bottles have twist-off caps. Takes after her dad.
4. Patty Reagan: Self-promotion from the daughter of the only U.S. President who should be a saint, Saint Ronnie, has let everyone know that she’s still a practicing cougar, if anyone is interested. If not, she’ll have to hang out as a beard at the choreographer’s ball again this year with Liza Minnelli.
5. Chelsea Clinton: Bubba and Hillary’s little girl has grown up normal. Go figure. Her turn-ons: Studying climate change, nuclear proliferation and why men lie and are such A-holes. Her turn-offs: Older men who prey on younger women, marriages of convenience, and pants-suits.