President Obama has the unenviable task of delivering the State of the Union Address on Wednesday.
Instead of delivering the standard address with all that hooey about working together to get people back to work and to try and convince the nation the state of the union is good or looking like it’s getting better, maybe the prez ought to try a fresh, new approach.
Obama ought to address the House and the Senate —- and the nation —- like he was the new host of “The Tonight Show,” complete with an extended monologue.
It could work, since a lot of Americans would rather be entertained than informed.
With all the bad news, who could blame them?
Besides, nothing else seems to be working.
Here’s what could transpire:
Speaker gives introduction: “Ladies and gentlemen, let’s give it up for the President of the United States!”
Sustained applause because a lot of Republicans are still tweeting Fox News to get orders on how to react.
Obama shakes hands and high fives some members who are hooting and hollering like he was Jay Leno.
When Obama takes to the podium, Joe Biden shouts out an Ed McMahon-ish “Heyyyy-ohhhh!”
Obama then takes the hand-held microphone presented to him by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and starts working the room.
Obama: “Hello Congress!”
Most members chant “hoo-hah!” ala Al Pacino in “Scent of a Woman.”
Obama: “Give it up for Joe Biden!”
Generous applause for the vice president.
Biden: “Thank you. Guess we can say the House is in the hizzy!”
The joke mostly falls on deaf ears.
Obama: “Thanks, Joe. And let’s hear it for House Speaker Nancy Pelosi!”
Tepid applause and a few hisses, which results in Pelosi giving that scolding look of hers to the GOP side of the aisle.
Obama: “Welcome to my State of the Union Address. Or as Fox News refers to it, the second of the seven signs of the apocalypse —- the first being my inauguration.”
Only the Democratic side of the aisle laughs.
Obama: “I’d like to acknowledge the justices of the Supreme Court. Thanks to Justice Roberts, corporations will now be able to spend at will to get their candidates elected. Thanks for selling out America. Just think, before you know it coins will no longer have the words “e pluribus unum” on them. They’ll say “save money by switching to Geico.”
Only Pelosi laughs, but catches herself and stops suddenly.
Biden tries to offer support by grunting “Yes!”
Obama: “But seriously folks, Congressman Joe “You Lie!” Wilson is in attendance again and he promised to behave. Since his outburst, we’ve talked — actually had a beer. Being from South Carolina, he’s a Southern gentleman. He even introduced me to his wife and his mother. OK, so they were the same person.”
Democrats laugh a lot louder than Republicans. Camera gets shot of Wilson, who is bound and gagged like Hannibal Lecter in “Silence of the Lambs.”
Obama: “But I wanna tell ya, it’s been a whale of a year. If John Edwards would’ve heard the word “no” as many times as I have, he wouldn’t have this many problems. But you Republicans have your philanderer scandals as well —- including Sen. John Ensign of Nevada. Here’s a guy who takes his last name too seriously —- apparently the women like to hear him say “Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead.”
Even the Republicans get a chuckle out of that one.
Obama: “A lot of you in this chamber would like to be president, but just not in my shoes right now. It’s a tough job, but it has its perks. Like the other day when I met with the current NBA champion Los Angeles Lakers. Which made Rush Limbaugh very nervous. I heard Rush is now referring to the East Room as the Locker Room.”
Suddenly different ring tones from the cell phones of every Republican in the chamber go off at the same time. They take several minutes to get their instructions.
Obama: “Are we cool now, gentlemen?”
Suddenly a heckler yells from the chamber: “You’re a poopy-head!”
Obama: “Thank you. You all know my mother-in-law.”
The president’s comeback goes over well with most in the chamber.
Obama: “As for a more traditional aspect of the State of the Union Address — to introduce a hero or two out of the millions of people in the country — well, we’re going to drop that, too. Besides, believe it or not, the Salahis said they couldn’t make it here tonight.
A scattering of applause from the crowd.
Obama: “Since no one is taking anything seriously anymore and just wants to be on TV news shows and criticize and not be civil —- or in my party’s case, gutless, confused and afraid to be on the wrong side of what’s popular at the moment, let’s just turn this hallowed hall into one big ‘American Idol’ marathon.”
Everyone in the chamber starts to talk among themselves.
Obama: “Whattaya say? If there’s one thing we know, it’s that America has talent. So I put it to all of you in this hallowed chamber — who wants to be an elected superstar?”
A groundswell of enthusiasm begins to grow throughout the House chamber.
Obama: “John McCain, I know for a fact that you do great impersonations of dead Western movie stars.”
Camera cuts to McCain nodding his head affirmatively as he adds: “Yes, yes, my friends. As well as impressions of Bette Davis in “Now, Voyager,” Joan Crawford in “Mildred Pierce,” and the Gipper himself in “Bedtime for Bonzo.”
Obama: “And House Speaker Pelosi here does an array of bird calls that are unequalled by any I’ve ever heard.”
Pelosi blushes and mutters under her breath, “I do. I do.”
Obama: “Mitch McConnell, those opera arias your wife says you sing in the shower are bellissimo!”
Shot of McConnell being applauded by fellow senators sitting around and next to him.
Obama: “And the dancing moves of one John Boehner makes John Travolta in “Saturday Night Fever” look like he has two left feet.”
Camera gets shot of Boehner, but with that bad tan he always sports, it’s hard to tell if he’s blushing.
Obama: “Think of it — 435 members of Congress and 100 senators, all of you with a hidden or not-so-hidden talent that can entertain America for years to come.”
The momentum is growing stronger in the chamber.
Obama: “It’s Republicans against Democrats to see who America thinks has the most talent. And whoever wins, gets their agenda passed. Are you with me?”
Almost in unison, the members of the House and Senate rise to their feet.
Obama: “Say it with me, Yes, we can entertain America!”
The crowd chants “Yes we can entertain America!”
Obama: “Yes we can!”
The crowd responds “Yes we can!”
Obama: “Finally, change we can believe in. Now let’s get to work —- we’ve got a lot of show business to get done!”
As the president goes to shake hands with his audience, the music of “Hail to the Chief” is replaced by the theme to “Shaft.”