No werewolf man

Go figure, “Valentine’s Day” was number one at the box office over Valentine’s Day weekend. In fact, number one with a bullet: a silver bullet to the heart of “The Wolfman.”

Love conquers all with the movie taking in $52 million to the creature’s $30 million.

One wonders if Variety will have one of its snazzy headlines like “$52M for ‘V.D.’ at B.O.”

Who are the wizards behind distribution of movies in Hollyweird who came up with the brilliant idea of releasing an updated version of the werewolf saga over Valentine’s Day weekend? Hello, does Halloween ring a bell?

You wouldn’t see a chick flick like “Sex and the City” released on Halloween —- although it’s scary enough to make audiences believe that Sarah Jessica Parker is one of the hottest babes in New York City.

It’s a lovers’ holiday, so what movie are women going to drag their men to see: a film that tugs at the heartstrings, or a flick that has a character that will rip your lungs out, Jim?

The wolfman has always been one of the more vicious monsters of the silver screen — even though the victim, named Larry Talbot in the original 1941 classic starring Lon Chaney Jr., was actually a sympathetic character.

The poor schlub just happened to be bitten by a wolf —- which causes the old, creepy gypsy woman, played by the mesmirizing Maria Ouspenskaya in the original, to utter the prophetic words “He who is bitten by a wolf becomes a wolf himself.”

But the illuminating phrase that reoccurs in the original —– spoken by several characters like Larry’s father, played by the great character actor of “Casablanca” fame Claude Rains —- is the memorable “Even a man who is pure in heart and says his prayers by night, may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms and the autumn moon is bright.”

The newest version apparently doesn’t have the same bite as the original. Even though it has Anthony Hopkins doing his creepy Hannibal Lector thing with his eyes and voice.

Maybe there were other reasons why the monster movie didn’t leave much of a mark its opening weekend….Like:

1. Movie is actually about Wolfman Jack.

2. Movie uses deleted scenes from “Teen Wolf.”

3. Doesn’t have a “Team Wolfman” vs. “Team Hannibal Lector” thing going for it.

4. Scariest thing in the movie is the wolf man fighting that thing on Donald Trump’s head.

5. No actors in the movie with girly man first names like Ashton, Topher and Taylor.

6. Even GOP Senate candidate Carly Fiorina’s idiotic “wolf in sheep’s clothing” political ad has better visual effects.

7. Movie should have stuck to original title “Dances with Wolfman” and kept the sequence where the monster enters “So You Think You Can Dance” TV contest and tears the judges apart limb from limb when he’s the first contestent cut.

8. Shaky sequence when the creature eventually turns into Wolfman Amadeus Mozart and performs his composition “A Little Night Mauling.”

9. Audiences waiting instead for remake of “Lone Wolf McQuade” starring Meryl Streep.
10. Movie was so not scary people in the audience were fleeing theaters faster than incumbents from the Democratic Party.

In other entertainment news:

Couldn’t decide on an aisle or window seat, so he took up both: Movie director Kevin Smith, director of such independent films like “Clerks,” was kicked off a Southwest airlines flight because they said that he was too fat.
Actually, that’s the reason Smith gave —– turns out he was kicked off because the passengers had to sit through one of his movies.

It’s OK, it has the word ‘family’ in it: Sarah Palin —- show us the outrage over the animated comedy series “Family Guy.”
On Sunday, the take-no-prisoners show featured a girl with Down syndrome who goes on a date with Family Guy Peter Griffith’s son. And the treatment of the girl was nasty —- par for the course with the series.
The girl was obnoxious and demanding. And when she tells the kid to ask her about her family, she said her mother is “the former governor of Alaska.”
Sure, it was funny —- but are we allowed to laugh at that in Palin’s real America?
C’mon, show us the anger, Sarah-cuda.
Demand that the animated comedy series be taken off the air!
Oh, ya, “Family Guy” is on Fox…..

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One Response to No werewolf man

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