Chief executive decisions

Another Presidents Day is in the books. Thousands of Americans probably took advantage and bought those sofas and easy chairs that George Washington advertised from the grave in those TV commercials.

Over the years, we’ve all learned many different things about our presidents —– some that even offered insight into what their characters may have been like. But here are a few facts about some of our presidents that have so far eluded historians:

1. Dick Nixon was the first to come up with the phrase “it’s all good.” In his case, he was referring to the different places where slush fund money was secured.

2. Dwight Eisenhower misspoke when he said “beware of the military industrial complex.” What Ike meant to say was “Beware of anyone who wants to be president who can’t pronounce the word nuclear.”

3. During the presidency of our heaviest president, William Howard Taft, the first “You momma’s so fat” jokes were delivered.

4. Grover Cleveland’s dying words were “Does anybody know what I did with my cat?”

5. Everyone was happy that Calvin Coolidge was comfortable being called “Silent Cal” because whenever he spoke he sounded like a cross between Fran “The Nanny” Drescher and Richard Simmons.

6. Millard Fillmore so hated his name that after he left office he changed it —- to Shecky Fillmore.

7. Bill Clinton had names for body parts that matched names of old TV shows —- he called his hands “The Dukes of Hazzard,” he called his feet “The Jetsons,” he referred to his tookus as “Howdy Doody,” and he called his you-know-what “The Love Boat.” He referred to any part of Hillary as “The Untouchables.”

8. During his second inaugural address, Abraham Lincoln gave a shout out to his still uncomfirmed secretary of state, Kareem Abdul E. Lee.

9. Woodrow Wilson thought of originally calling the League of Nations the Best Place in town to pick up foreign chicks..

10. Whenever Teddy Roosevelt bragged about being a Rough Rider, men who served under him during that military era had trouble sitting down.

CPAC on track

Things on the agenda at today’s Conservative Political Action Conference:

1. Dick Cheney’s snear-off.

2. Kiddie Contest to see who could draw the best Hitler moustache on Obama posters.

3. Sarah Palin’s speech on why conservatives should push for making curling the new American pastime.

4. Rush Limbaugh’s coronation.

5. Karl Rove’s 100 new ways to scare the bejesus out of older, white Americans.

6. Become more hip with the language in order to recruit younger members: start referring to waterboarding as ‘Hurt Lockers.’

7. Give RNC chairman Michael Steele more to do than valet parking.

8. Tell Ann Coulter sorry, but you’ve suddenly turned gay.

9. Joe the Plumber hosting hilarious outtakes from Chuck Norris movies.

10. Michele “They’re coming to take me away, ha-ha” Bachmann’s conservative manifesto written while she was getting an anal probe on the Mothership.

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10 Responses to Chief executive decisions

  1. paul C in PA says:

    Come on MJP…tell us about Palin’s popularity or Limbaugh’s audience numbers…come on, you can do it. Or one of your personalities can.

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