Things learned at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) —- or as Fox News referred to it, “Sermons on the Mount.”
1. God doesn’t like people who use teleprompters. If God wanted us to use teleprompters, he wouldn’t have given us palms to write things on.
Republicans don’t need to use teleprompters — that’s because they only have to remember three things: Democrats raise taxes, Republicans have no ideas so they reduce everything to bumper sticker terms so Americans with short attention spans won’t get too confused, and, third, keep mentioning God and prayer as if they have a copyright on both.
2. The Republicans know how to party —– like it was 1954. That’s when diversity in America only meant that men occassionally wore blue shirts to work instead of white.
3. Dick Cheney is the creepiest person in America. Until this past year, Dick was only the vice president in charge behind the scenes of figurehead President Mortimer Snerd (google it) and we only got glimpses of his creepiness. The more he talks, the more dangerous he makes people around him and those who swallow his every anti-humanity verbiage.
He is creepy, this hedgehog from the vast wasteland of isolated Wyoming, where men are men and small farm animals are nervous. This venomous, spiteful, hateful poor excuse for a human being has a daughter, Liz, who regurgitates every disdainful dribble from every pore —– this daddy’s little girl with the daddy complex who fits right in with the overall annoyingly unpleasantness of political America’s answer to the Addams Family.
“They’re creepy and they’re scarywith no sense of humor for things light and airy.
If you’re not with them you’re a commie and a fairy,
The Cheney Family.
“They live in an undisclosed location and never go on vacation —-
You gotta wonder about that father-daughter relation,
The Cheney Family.”
If you don’t believe by now that Cheney is the most dangerous man in America, then you don’t know Dick.
4. Glenn Beck continues to prove the insanity. Fox News — the “Hope America Fails” network — in its continuation of contradition in terms by using the “fair and balanced” slogan, saw one of its star performers serve as CPAC’s keynote speaker.
Beck took the opportunity to scold the Republican Party for spending us into oblivion in the Cheney-Bush years. Then he told the crowd he always votes Republican. Oh well, at least he didn’t bark like a dogthe wayhe did on one of his shows last week. Keep it step, lemmings.
5. Was anybody at CPAC paying attention? Even with the meglomaniac Cheney and the lunatic Beck commanding the room, Ron Paul — I’m a Libertarian more than a Republican —- Ron Paul won the straw vote for GOP presidential candidate in 2012. Paul actually has three tea-bagging Tea Party candidates challenging him in the Texas primary to unseat him in Congress.
Things overheard at CPAC:
1. “Oh, Ron Paul won the straw poll. Thank God, for a minute there I thought they said the winner was Ru Paul.”
2. “This Kool-Aid is really kicking in —- I’m beginning to forget everything that happened politically before Jan. 20, 2009.”
3. “Marco Rubio? Didn’t he sing that “La Vida Loco” song?”
4. “Marco Rubio? Wasn’t that the name of the restaurant in “The Godfather” where Michael Corleone shot the “Turk” and that crooked cop? Ya, Marco Rubio’s restaurant in Jersey.”
5. “I think I met my first wife at a bar called Marco Rubio’s.”
6. “Did you see that billboard of W. where it said “Miss me yet?” Between you, me and the dumb as a lamp-post guy himself, we miss him only for the laughs. You know, like ducking the shoe-thrower in Iraq, or trying to walk out of two huge locked doors in China. By the way, if they wanted to be serious about W. being missed, shouldn’t they have picked a photo that didn’t make him look like he just walked in on seeing his parents doing it?”
7. “It sure was nice of Scott Brown to show up —- and wearing pants.”
8. “Cheney’s amazing — he had three heart attacks during that speech and he kept on going.”
9. “Palin placed third in the straw poll. She would’ve placed higher if she just would’ve tried a little harder to get in the news.”
10. “Oh, that’s RNC chairman Michael Steele. No wonder why he ignored me when I asked him if he was the entertainment.”