After her standup routine on Leno last week, Sarah “Shecky” Palin went Hollywood.
The Fox News diva and her “entourage” (sans Johnny Drama and Turtle) went all Beverly Hillbillies at a gift shop in West Hollywood and loaded up with freebie cosmetics and fashion items that were available in conjunction with Oscar week festivities.
Then the Baked Alaskan went shoppin’ for a TV reality show deal that would center on her beloved Alaska —- you know, the same Alaska that she loves so much that she quit after two years as governor to feather her fame and fortune in the lower forty-eights.)
The title for the reality show hasn’t been thought up yet —- but “Pallin’ Around with Palin” doesn’t sound too bad.
The shows would feature something different every week about Palin’s Alaska. Here are a few ideas that could be pitched:
1. “Shootin’ things from a ‘Copter.”
2. “Levi Johnston racing his Toyota Prius on the Bridge to Nowhere.”
3. “Finding Todd work.”
4. “Wasilla’s most fashionable meth labs.”
5. “God, Guns and Makin’ Money.”
6. “Celebratin’ the holidays with moose jerky and Yoo-Hoo.”
7. “How long is this segment gonna take —- I’ve got a gig in Vegas.”
8. “Reinforcing the restraining order on Sean Hannity.”
9. “If this really is God’s country, why isn’t inbreeding a sacrament?”
10. “I really can’t see anything from my house.”
Not to worry, conservatron disciples of Gov. Quitter —- she eventually found God. Or maybe it was the other way around.
After leaving Gommorah without turning into a pillar of salt, Saint Sarah went to the Great White North (no, not back to the New York studios of Fox Noose.) While in Canada, her messiah complex reared its haloed head.
Praise be the audacity of a dope.
Some goober sent the holy one a copy of the biblical passage Isaih 49:16: “See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.”
Of course Diva Destruction thought the reference was about her. “If what was good enough for God, scribbling on the palm of his hand, it’s good enough for me, us,” Palin told her disciples. “In that passage he says, “I wrote your name on the palm of my hand to remember you.” And I’m like okay, I’m in good company.”
Who knew God needed cliff notes.
Well, Moses for one —- as he found out when he was on that mountain waiting for the Big Guy to give him the Ten Commandments:
Moses: “So these Ten Commandments, am I supposed to memorize them maybe?”
God: “Moses supposes erroneously.”
Moses: “Believe me, I’d like to keep guessing, but — hello! — I’ve got people waiting. Incidentally, you’re starting to get competition from a gold calf.”
God: “Get ready, I’ll dictate them to you.”
Moses: “Perfect. I’ve got this great idea —- I’ll chisel them on this mountainside and then create two tablets.”
God: “Whoa, hold on there, Michelangelo —- I didn’t create this mountain for you or anyone to desecrate. There will be no graffiti in my Old Testament.”
Moses: “But they’re your words — you can use a bolt of lightning to engrave them in stone!”
God: “No exceptions. I won’t have anyone playing God. Not even me.”
Moses: “I’m thinking that’s probably one of the commandments.”
God: “The first part anyway.”
Moses: “How about a teleprompter? You can put them on a teleprompter and I can recite them —- that should be good for at least 40 years in the desert.”
God: “Teleprompters are for heretics. I’ve got a better idea: I’ll write them on the palms of my hands —– five on each. Then I’ll give you two high fives and they’ll be transferred onto your palms forever. They’ll never wash off. Like tattoos —- only the kind you won’t be embarrrassed to show when you’re 80.”
Moses: “An interesting concept —- but wouldn’t tablets carved in stone from a mountain be more dramatic?”
God: “They can save that for the movies. I don’t need dramatic special effects to announce my commandments.”
Moses: “Just looking out for ticket sales.”
God: “Maybe you’d like to be down the mountain with that gold calf….”
Moses: “No, no. Palms are good. Give me five. Uh, twice. So I guess, give me ten!”
God: “So it is written…”
Moses: “So it shall be … on the palms of my hands. Hey, it worked!”
God: “Go and spread the word. And when those who don’t believe or follow what I have commanded, you won’t have to carry tablets around with you, or use a teleprompter…”
Moses: “Ya, I know, I should tell them they should talk to the hand….”