The trend this year in Hollywood —- where they never seem to run out of original ideas —- is remakes of movies from the 1980s.
We’ve already had a remake of “Clash of the Titans” —- this time in 3D.
“Tron” and “Red Dawn” are forthcoming.
Still another remake of “Nightmare on Elm Street” will unfortunately hit theaters this weekend —- but that franchise isn’t necessarily a product of 1980s movie recycling. “Nightmare” has as many lives as Larry King has ex-wives. It’s been remade more times than Mitt Romney’s stand on health care.
The movie industry doesn’t really have to go back to the 1980s to find movies to remake —- it can pick one from last year: “District 9.” This time it would be about Arizona’s racial profiling immigration law.
The original “District 9″ had overtones of apartheid, only it used space aliens as the oppressed.
The remake of “District 9″ can feature former war hero turned coward “Sheriff” John McCain (he’s a frustrated actor anyway.) He’ll have a cameo role in the remake, speaking only one line —- but an important line, nevertheless. It’s lifted —- but appropriate — from the classic “Casablanca”: “Round up the usual suspects.”
Wait a minute! Isn’t this new law coming from the same white trash political affiliates who keep whining and protesting about government intrusion?
In any event, let’s call the remake “District 9: American Apartheid.”
But back to those 1980s remakes. Here are a few that could be interesting if they had exaggerated new themes:
1. “Revenge of the Nerds: Taking Over the White House”: Who knew? The African-American kid in the original turned out to be Barack Obama.
2. “The Abyss: The GOP climbs its way out”: The Republican Party has been in an abyss since the 2006 off-year elections and the daring attempts they’re making to claw their way out and into the light makes for either good melodrama or a dark comedy. But there may be no light at the end of this tunnel. Enter conflict, so essential to every plot of every movie.
For the second day in a row, the Party of “Hell no, you can’t!” voted down debating financial reform on the floor of the Senate. They must protect their benefactor: Wall Street.
The movie also includes the original song “Wall Street” —- which should be sung to the tune “On Broadway,” made famous by The Drifters:
“They say CEOs make outrageous dough
on Wall Street.
It’s where misleading clients is standard fare.
But how you gonna have financial reform
when Republicans in bed with CEOs is the norm.
At least it’s not that socialist’s health care….”
The song is sung in the movie by Ted Nugent.
3. “The Terminator: Role Reversal”: This time it’s not Sara Connor, but Sarah Palin —- and she’s from the future to take America back because it started thinkin’ and readin’ and stopped clingin’ to its guns and one true religion in America: Christianity.
Palin the Terminatrix ( no, that’s not the name of a performer those young Republicans spent donor money on to see at that strip club in West Hollywood) leads an angry band of tea-baggers with the purpose of crushing civility and common sense while continuing their march to glory in 2012 by delivering the stupid.
4. “Ragin Bull”: The summation of Rush Limbaugh’s logic and commentary. Alternative title (since he’s the defacto leader of the Republican Party): “The Elephant Man.”
5. “Rain Man”: George W. Bush as president —– “Rain Man kill Saddam! Rain Man kill Saddam!” Join “You Shoulda been a little more curious” George as he tries to come up with a title for his memoirs. Here’s a preview of a few:
a. “Going Goober”
b. “Misunderestimating Accomplished”
c. “True Lies”
d. “My Two Terms in the White House — All 7 years”
6. “Children of a Lesser God”: The first feature film produced by televangelist Pat Robertson’s company Jesus Pleases. It features self-righteous sanctimonious (and pius) real American children who tease other kids in our public schools who aren’t Christians.
7. “Ruthless People: Dick and Liz”: And we’re not talking about Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor. It’s big daddy Dick Cheney and his equally unhinged daddy’s little girl Liz and their ever-present crusade to save America from people who are brown.
8. “An Officer and a Gentleman: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”: The liberal news media’s sensitive and tolerant film about gays who are tossed out of the military after they’re outed. Not starring former Democratic Congressman Eric “Tickled Pink” Massa.
9. “Coal Miner’s Daughter”: After a long, hard search, a documentary crew finally finds a trailer-park woman who hasn’t been knocked up by John Edwards.
10. “Swamp Thing”: The biography of Mississippi Gov. Hayley “them not mentioning slavery in that proclaimation marking April as Confederate History Month in Virginia don’t amount to diddley” Barbour.