Shirt tales

The archaic cliche “keep your shirt on” —– which meant to calm down, be patient — may be prime for a revival. This time the expression will take on an alternative meaning.

It’s this: Republican candidates running for offices in any states, for the love of God, please keep your shirts on.

You’re not turning heads, you’re turning stomachs.

Ohio Republican Senate candidate Lee Fisher, the state’s attorney general (how about arresting yourself for indecent exposure?), is featured shirtless, in a pitiful attempt at a provocative pose, bare-chested in a TV ad. (Google the photo at your own risk — or if you have the unnerving urge to lose your lunch.)

Call it the Mass. Republican Senator Scott “Cosmo Boy” Brown syndrome. Scotty is the former nude male model who won Teddy Kennedy’s Senate seat earlier this year. Scotty hasn’t appeared shirtless, but since his past can’t escape him, some Republican candidates might be thinking striking a Scott Brown pose will get them votes.

Problem is, candidate Fisher shirtless looks more like former Russian leader Boris Yeltsin than Matthew “I get to take my shirt off for this movie, don’t I?” McConaughey.

In fact, candidates of either party who insist on this shirtless thingy should be reminded that current Russian defacto leader Vladimir Putin likes to be photographed sans tops in various macho outdoorsey activities and it’s ridiculous.

The shirtless dude fad seems to be the current rage in movies and on TV (as usual, there is no female equivalent, because any hint of female bare skinwould be sexist. Sidebar: Gratutitous nudity in film only applies to women, not to men.)

Hopefully, the shirtless dude thingy won’t be a political trend.

No one in their right mind wants to see Newt Gingrich, even in a Brando-esque “Streetcar” torn T-shirt.

And House Minority Leader John “Hell no, You Can’t!” Boehner looks like he’s ready to rip off his shirt (mostly in anger over everything Obama) to show how his bad tan is not only exclusive to his bulldog mug.

Seems like Republicans are trying to maintain their macho image in a different manner these days, ever since George W.’s Cowboy Diplomacy has gone to its Happy Hunting Ground.

If this trend gets out of hand, the Republican Party’s boss, Fox News, will want to adapt to show solidarity.

Shirtless, that’s shirtless, Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck.

To go along with all that bare leg the Fox News foxes flash every so often.

Fair and balanced.

As for the politicians, it’s one hell of a way to try to court the women vote, dudes.

Voters in general may end up telling you guys “no shirts, no service in Washington.”

You can’t all be “Cosmo boy” Brown —– or Governor Terminator.

Especially not like the Governator. Not with names like Mitt and Newt or girly-man names like Hayley.

That’s probably where it all started, with the body-builder movie star from Austria.

The Republican Party’s Great White Dope who was smarter than your average Neanderthal (he proved winning political office was so easy, even a cave man could do it.)

Ahh-nold the Ambitious married into the Kennedy family, made billions of dollars as a cyborg and conned Californians into believing his True Lies.

The GOP’s superhero was so last decade.

The Terminator has been reduced to a Kindergarten Cop.

The two GOP gubernatorial candidates, Meg Whitman and Steve Poizner, have made a villain out of the Last Action Hero.

Poizner even has an ad with some expert at something saying we can’t afford another Ahh-nold term —- and that’s what Whitman would offer (the Terminatrix?)

Californians fell for Ahhnold’s reading from a script. They were so obsessed with celebrity they elected a movie star who made action flicks and thought he could terminate the budget deficit.

California isn’t alone in voting for the more-like-a-celebrity candidate.

The glamour candidate has replaced the guy you’d like to have a beer with.

But when all is said anddone they’re the same guy.

You know those guys. They roll up their sleeves when they speak to citizens at town hall meetings.

They promise to work hard for the little guy.

For mom and pop stores.

For Main Street, U.S.A.

You can’t trust those guys —- even when they tell you they’ll work 24/7 for you.

The faux humanitarians.

You’ll know them by their archaic cliches.

They’ll even tell you they’d give you the shirt off their back.

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