Confusing the confirmations

There were two important confirmation hearings going on in tandem in the Nation’s Capitol on Tuesday.

Lawmakers are grilling President Obama’s pick for Supreme Court Justice, Elena Kagan —while lawmakers at the other hearing are fawning over Gen. David Petraeus to replace General Stanley “On the cover of the Rolling Stone” McChrystal to be the overlord of the U.S. troops in Afghanistan.

Kagan’s confirmation hearing —- or as Fox News refers to it, The Devil’s Disciple, was of course more tense because Republicans see her as a fetus killer who hates the military.

But since the lawmakers in Washington don’t have a clue about much of anything anymore because none of them know what to do in a crisis of any kind except blame someone else, what would it sound like if the pols got the two simultaneous confirmation hearings confused?

This is not really beyond the realm of possibility, since confusion is a sacrament in D.C. Along with selective amnesia, lying and high crimes and misdemeanors.

Each senator and congressman hails from the state of confusion.

So the tag-team confirmation hearings could go down something like this:

1. “General Petraeus, does it bother you as a Jewish woman that if you are confirmed to the Supreme Court there won’t be any Protestants serving in the military?”

2. “Ms. Kagan, when commanding the troops in Afghanistan, would you feel that it would be unpatriotic to stop playing Taps on a bugle and instead use the vuvuzela?”

3. “Ms. Kagan, when you worked your way up the ranks, did you ever have a job as an MP bouncer at the Officer’s Club in the Phillipines?”

4. “General Petraeus, would you be in favor of repealing the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy for those who want to serve on the Supreme Court?”

5. “General Petraeus, did you ever own a blue dress when serving as an official in the Clinton administration?”

Larry, we hardly watched ye

What’s this? Larry King is, as he says, “hanging up my suspenders.”

Please no YouTube shots of him actually doing that, thank you.

King will leave his show after 25 years on CNN this fall.

Reasons why Larry thinks it’s time for him to go:

1. Wants to spend more time with his ex-wives.

2. Has really only one regret left: Never got the chance to interview Carrot Top.

3. Lady Gaga convinced him he has a future in Glam Rock.

4. Convinced he’s on the really, really short list to take Simon’s place on “Idol.”

5. Next “Twilight” movie in need of casting a real-life vampire.

6. Has a deal with Fox News to be its next lunatic commentator with his own show.

7. Wants to be ready to command the troops in Afghanistan after Petraeus speaks nasty about the Obama administration in an interview with Guns and Ammo magazine.

8. Thinks he has a shot at making Oprah wife number 9.

9. Promised the 10 p.m. time slot at NBC.

10. Going to run for a two-year term as governor of Alaska.

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