Sarah Shakespeare

“Two households, not equal in liquidity, in cold Wasilla where our fable unfolds.

Two star-struck lovers reunite after time apart in their winter of discontent.

In one household the son of gypsies, tramps and thieves who by nature live within their means.

In the other, a daughter of the famous lady who doth protest too much.

The girl shall refudiate her mother and speak instead to vile tabloids of her forthcoming nuptials.

Indeed the daggers are drawn by the lamestream media intent on demonizing the fair Lady Crapulet.

But she has a lean and hungry look and speaks without eloquence but snarkiness in catchy phrases like bumper stickers. For in her orbit, brevity is the role of a twit.

Tho’ the lady suffers the zingers from liberal liars and the errors in her facts, she dost have the last laugh —- for she pulls in outrageous fortune in speaking gigs.”

Not content with rewriting history, the Baked Alaskan is rewriting the English language, incorporating new words like “refudiate.”

Sarah Palin Facebooked the word when talking about a mosque being built at Ground Zero in New York. Because the word mistake is not in her vocabulary, the Fox News nosebleed suggested that “English is a living language” and if Shakespeare can make up new words, why not her.

To thine own self be true, Mama Grizzly.

Palin pointed to the fact that ya gotta celebrate the English language — ya know, make up words like George W. Bush did with “misunderestimate.”

The Baked Alaskan is to the English language what John Edwards is to fidelity.

Who knew Palin even heard of Shakespeare. One can imagine her saying something like, “I like Shakespeare, and especially the songs he wrote for “West Side Story.”

If Shakespeare be the Bard, then Palin is the Canard. And if she carried the Shakespeare thingy further, she could produce a few plays, but with her special touch — which would mean incorporating characters and lines from one play into another. Example:

*”The Moor the Merrier”: Obama as Othello. His most memorable line: “Radicals, socialists and Muslims, lend me your votes. I’ve been elected to bury America, not to save it.”

Palin plays Desdemona, but with a twist, of course, as she unmasks Obama/Othello by using a line from “The Merchant of Venice”: “The devil can cite Scripture for his own purpose.” And, from “Measure for Measure”: “The miserable have no other medicine but only hopey and changey thing workin’ for ya.”

*”As You Dislike It”: Palin leads a cast of thousands of tea partiers as Lady Macbeth as they storm the nation’s capitol whining about everything they want the government to stay out of and how real America will be represented after the mid-term elections.

*”The Taming of the Shrewd”: Palin is center stage, naturally, as the spunky Kate, whom the media tries to tame, but come up lame.

Revisionist Shakespearean plays Palin would pan:

*”Much Ado About Nothing”: Palin would reject this one because it’s about the eight years of W.’s presidency.

*”King Lear”: Another rejection because it stars former Vice President Dick Cheney in the lead role (“Meantime, we shall express our darker purpose.”)

* Glenn Beck’s Hamlet: The melon-headed insane”: The Fox New whackaloon among a consortium of whackaloons could have a field day with dialogue from the original:

“In my mind’s eye —- I see Nazis and commies and liberals, oh, my!”

Or from “As You Like It”:

“I like this place I call my mind and willingly could waste my time in it.”

Or from “Richard III”:

“A horse! A horse! But no one could talk to a horse of course, unless that horse was the famous Mr. Ed!”

Or from “The Merchant of Venice”:

“If you prick us, do we not say you can’t use that word on TV? If you tickle us, do we not claim sexual abuse? If you wrong us, do we not slip in the ratings?”

Revised famous quotes from the Bard for Sarah Shakespeare:

1. “Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some are on Fox News reciting talking points.”

2. “But soft, what light through yonder window breaks” —- it’s that pervert who moved next door because he’s writing a book about me but who is peeping in Piper’s bedroom.

3. “Can one desire too much of a good thing “—– but enough about me; that’ll be $75,000 for the speech.”

4. “This is the short and the long of it” —as Bristol is about to be reminded.

5. “My salad days when I was green in judgment” —- but never to alternative energy.

6. “Nature teaches beasts to know their friends” —- but watch out for me flying overhead in a helicopter poised with an AK-47. I’m loaded for bear.

7. “We have heard the chimes of midnight” — and seen Putin’s head hover over Alaskan airspace.

8. “But for my own part, it was Greek to me” —- so no more interviews with Katie Couric.

9. “Not that I loved Caesar less” —- but nothing beats a yummy Cobb salad as a side order with moose hot dogs.”

10. “He hath eaten me out of house and home — so out! Out, damn Levi!”

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