That nosebleed Florida pastor, Terry Jones, says he’s waiting to hear from God whether to burn Korans at his church on Saturday.
What if the conversation went something like this:
Long Distance Operator: “Is this Pastor Terry Jones?”
Jones: “Yes it is.”
Operator: “I have a really, really, really long distance collect call from a Mr. God? Will you accept the charges?”
Jones: “Uh, I guess so.”
Operator: “Go ahead, Mr. God.”
God: “I don’t know why I’m asking because I’m supposed to already know. Is this Terry Jones?”
Jones: “Yes, sir. Pastor Terry Jones.”
God: “Not the Terry Jones from “Monty Python” fame?”
Jones: “Ah, no.”
God: “Sorry, wrong number. Just kidding.”
Jones: “You had me going there. Should I call you God or sir or Supreme Being?”
God: “Call me anything you want —– just don’t call me late for dinner. That’s a joke, son. One of my favorite things I’ve given to humans. Sense of humor. Beats the heck out of free will. Don’t know what I was thinking about with that one.”
Jones: “I was praying I’d hear from you —- but I gotta be honest, I never expected a phone call.”
God: “You were expecting a burning bush maybe?”
Jones: “No, but I was thinking maybe e-mail.”
God: “E-mail, she-mail. More words written down for people to read and interpret what they will. Been going on for centuries. Unless you hear it from me, you ain’t heard nothin’ yet. So I thought I’d speak to you, deity to disciple of the diatribe.”
Jones: “About my plan to burn Korans.”
God: “No, about that freaky-looking facial hair of yours. You know, long sideburns are the first visible signs of insanity.”
Jones: “Maybe I should change my look.”
God: “That’s not all you should change.”
Jones: “You’re saying I should change my mind about burning the Korans?”
God: “I can’t tell you what to do. Free will, remember? I’m just saying….”
Jones: “I believe I’m acting in your best interest.”
God: “How’s that? Have I given you any indication that I would give my blessing to what you plan to do?”
Jones: “Well, no. I just assumed…”
God: “Oy, assume! Another train of thought I’m sorry I implanted in the human brain. I can’t tell you how many souls I had to let through the Pearly Gates because they used assume as a defense. Now you want me to assume that you’re a man of God because you call yourself one.”
Jones: “I believe I’m doing your work.”
God: “What, acting the way you want to after condeming your emeny for acting the same way —- by burning the words of people you believe are the devil?”
Jones: “They acted this way first. And they attacked our Christian nation!”
God: “They. Those people. You’ve got to stop saying America is a Christian nation because it’s not just Christian.”
Jones: “It is in my neck of the woods.”
God: “That would be what —- the red-neck of the woods.”
Jones: “Redneck and proud of it.”
God: “Be careful with the pride thing —- one of the Seven Deadly Sins. If you believe what is written.”
Jones: “Are you telling me not to believe what is written?”
God: “It’s OK to believe what is written as long as you don’t take it the wrong way. A lot of people have made that mistake. And millions of innocent people have paid dearly for it.”
Jones: “Are you an Old Testament God or a New Testament God?”
God: “Depends. What day is this? The eighth. I’m New Testament God on even days. I’m Old Testament God on odd days.”
Jones: “That gives me my answer! Sept. 11 is a day for smite. Eleven is an odd number, so we could be doing this kind of thing every year because of the blessing from you, Old Testament God.”
God: “Smite is not a good word. Really, really, really old school. Why do you think there’s a New Testament?”
Jones: “So give me a sign as to what I should do.”
God: “Now we’re back to the reason why you were waiting to hear from me.”
Jones: “I’ve got the publicity for you and I’ll be letting millions of people down if I don’t carry through with my plan.”
God: “First, I get enough publicity —- a lot of agents out there getting my name in everything. Second, you seem to be carrying out your plan for self-recognition.”
Jones: “Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice!”
God: Barry Goldwater. Yes, he’s in Heaven. So is Nixon. Don’t even ask about that one. What if I told you even Barry Goldwater disagrees with what you’re planning to do? Speechless. huh? You want in in writing maybe.”
Jones: “I either let down people who believe what I’m doing or I let you down. Either way I’m going to pay for my consequences.”
God: “And this phone bill, oy! By the way, don’t call me anymore. Next time I’ll call for you.”
