The Conversation

That nosebleed Florida pastor, Terry Jones, says he’s waiting to hear from God whether to burn Korans at his church on Saturday.

What if the conversation went something like this:

Long Distance Operator: “Is this Pastor Terry Jones?”

Jones: “Yes it is.”

Operator: “I have a really, really, really long distance collect call from a Mr. God? Will you accept the charges?”

Jones: “Uh, I guess so.”

Operator: “Go ahead, Mr. God.”

God: “I don’t know why I’m asking because I’m supposed to already know. Is this Terry Jones?”

Jones: “Yes, sir. Pastor Terry Jones.”

God: “Not the Terry Jones from “Monty Python” fame?”

Jones: “Ah, no.”

God: “Sorry, wrong number. Just kidding.”

Jones: “You had me going there. Should I call you God or sir or Supreme Being?”

God: “Call me anything you want —– just don’t call me late for dinner. That’s a joke, son. One of my favorite things I’ve given to humans. Sense of humor. Beats the heck out of free will. Don’t know what I was thinking about with that one.”

Jones: “I was praying I’d hear from you —- but I gotta be honest, I never expected a phone call.”

God: “You were expecting a burning bush maybe?”

Jones: “No, but I was thinking maybe e-mail.”

God: “E-mail, she-mail. More words written down for people to read and interpret what they will. Been going on for centuries. Unless you hear it from me, you ain’t heard nothin’ yet. So I thought I’d speak to you, deity to disciple of the diatribe.”

Jones: “About my plan to burn Korans.”

God: “No, about that freaky-looking facial hair of yours. You know, long sideburns are the first visible signs of insanity.”

Jones: “Maybe I should change my look.”

God: “That’s not all you should change.”

Jones: “You’re saying I should change my mind about burning the Korans?”

God: “I can’t tell you what to do. Free will, remember? I’m just saying….”

Jones: “I believe I’m acting in your best interest.”

God: “How’s that? Have I given you any indication that I would give my blessing to what you plan to do?”

Jones: “Well, no. I just assumed…”

God: “Oy, assume! Another train of thought I’m sorry I implanted in the human brain. I can’t tell you how many souls I had to let through the Pearly Gates because they used assume as a defense. Now you want me to assume that you’re a man of God because you call yourself one.”

Jones: “I believe I’m doing your work.”

God: “What, acting the way you want to after condeming your emeny for acting the same way —- by burning the words of people you believe are the devil?”

Jones: “They acted this way first. And they attacked our Christian nation!”

God: “They. Those people. You’ve got to stop saying America is a Christian nation because it’s not just Christian.”

Jones: “It is in my neck of the woods.”

God: “That would be what —- the red-neck of the woods.”

Jones: “Redneck and proud of it.”

God: “Be careful with the pride thing —- one of the Seven Deadly Sins. If you believe what is written.”

Jones: “Are you telling me not to believe what is written?”

God: “It’s OK to believe what is written as long as you don’t take it the wrong way. A lot of people have made that mistake. And millions of innocent people have paid dearly for it.”

Jones: “Are you an Old Testament God or a New Testament God?”

God: “Depends. What day is this? The eighth. I’m New Testament God on even days. I’m Old Testament God on odd days.”

Jones: “That gives me my answer! Sept. 11 is a day for smite. Eleven is an odd number, so we could be doing this kind of thing every year because of the blessing from you, Old Testament God.”

God: “Smite is not a good word. Really, really, really old school. Why do you think there’s a New Testament?”

Jones: “So give me a sign as to what I should do.”

God: “Now we’re back to the reason why you were waiting to hear from me.”

Jones: “I’ve got the publicity for you and I’ll be letting millions of people down if I don’t carry through with my plan.”

God: “First, I get enough publicity —- a lot of agents out there getting my name in everything. Second, you seem to be carrying out your plan for self-recognition.”

Jones: “Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice!”

God: Barry Goldwater. Yes, he’s in Heaven. So is Nixon. Don’t even ask about that one. What if I told you even Barry Goldwater disagrees with what you’re planning to do? Speechless. huh? You want in in writing maybe.”

Jones: “I either let down people who believe what I’m doing or I let you down. Either way I’m going to pay for my consequences.”

God: “And this phone bill, oy! By the way, don’t call me anymore. Next time I’ll call for you.”

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