‘Jack’ of all tirades

Political cartoonist Paul Conrad died last week.
Conrad was relentless in his scathing attacks on President Richard Nixon —- sometimes he was excruciatingly funny.
The day after Nixon died, Conrad was still unforgiving of the crooked politician. His cartoon showed the disgraced president’s gravestone and all it said on it was “Here lies Richard Nixon.”
Conrad, like many good journalists who thrived on keeping politicians honest, made Nixon’s “Enemies List.” That must have been a badge of honor for Conrad.
One is not sure that Nixon ever considered bumping off the cartoonist.
Not so with the investigative journalist of his day, circa 1971, Jack Anderson.
In the hits that keep on coming from newly released Nixon White House tapes, the only president to resign in disgrace actually talked about taking out a hit on Anderson.
Ya, the press won’t have Nixon to kick around anymore —- because he was going to wipe ‘em all out.
Anderson was a intrepid reporter, but he was by no means beyond reproach. In fact, in many cases he was a slimeball whose journalistic ethics left a lot to be desired.
Like Fox Fabricated News of today.
But to actually talk about G. Gordon Liddy sneaking into Anderson’s residence and poisoning his medicine. Or, damn White House hippies, maybe even exposing Anderson to a “massive dose” of LSD by smearing it on the steering wheel of his car.
Yikes! Spy novel stuff. They could’ve called the book “The President’s Brain is Missing.”
Wait, that’s a good title for a non-fiction account of the George W. Bush presidency.
This was not reported in the new Nixon White House tapes, but Nixon went so berserko grande after he was “hounded out of office” that he went all counterculture on his bad self.Here’s a list:
1. Nixon toured in the late 1970s with a rock group called Cheap Tricky Dicky.
2. Nixon’s favorite rock song was the one he thought was written about him: “Dirty deeds done dirt cheap.”
3. Nixon wanted to buy the writes to Simon & Garfunkel’s “Bridge Over Troubled Water” to use against Teddy Kennedy if he ran against him in 1972.
4. One of the things the burglars were looking for at Democratic headquarters at the Watergate was proof that Teddy Kennedy secured the rights to The Who’s “We Won’t Get Fooled Again” and planned on using it against Nixon in the 1972 presidential campaign.
5. Little did he know at the time, but Tricky Dicky was Ozzie’s inspiration for Black Sabbath’s “Paranoid.”
6. As for the Anderson situation, Nixon and his cohorts would often sing this original composition by the campire: “Hit the road, Jack, after being dropped at 30,000 feet from Air Force One.”
7. Nixon thought “Deep Throat” —- Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward’s source, not the porno flick —- was either The Flying Nun or Elvis
8. Nixon once had to sit through a rehearsal of J. Edgar Hoover dressed as Connie Francis performing “Where the Boys Are.”
9. Nixon was so paranoid of Mormons, he onced asked Barry Goldwater what his chances were to get Congress to deport the Osmonds to Siberia.
10. The movie title that best describes the Nixon White House is:

a. “The Sting”

b. “Crimes and Misdemeanors”

c. “Eight Men Out”

d. “The Harder They Fall”

e. all of the above

Fast forward 40 years to the current occupant of the White House.

Surprisingly, Fox Fabricated News didn’t make a bigger deal out of noticing that President Obama wasn’t wearing his wedding ring during his press conference last week.
They could’ve come up with numerous idiotic reasons why his wedding band finger was obviously nekkid. Like:

1. The economy is so bad, he had to hock it.
2. Not wearing his wedding ring is a signal to the enemy that the nation’s guard is down.
3. He stopped wearing it because even commentators and anchors over at MSNBC weren’t kissing it anymore.
4. The wedding band fell off and rolled into a crevice when he was pulling the plug on some granny.
5. Doesn’t want to show off expensive ring, thinks Americans will believe he’s one of the top two percent of wealthiest Americans getting a tax break.

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