Pledge this

The Republican Party released its “Pledge to America” on Thursday.

Or as Fox Fabricated News refers to it, “Our talking points.”

There’s nothing in this latest GOP contract on America that describes how they are going to go about balancing the budget or reducing the deficit.

Not to worry though, they pledge to repeal the health care plan (or “Obamacare” as they call it) that went into effect on Thursday.

Just a little footnote to the GOP’s pledge to repeal health care —– they plan to keep 7 of the 10 provisions in the law.

So the RepubliTea Party will actually be campaigning on repealing health care —- the issue that made Americans go berserko grande in town hall meetings in the summer of 2009 — but plan on keeping most of the provisions.

Not to worry, good citizens of ScareAmerica, the “pull the plug on granny” provision is not one of them.

Even some of the lunatic fringe conservatrons are getting snippy about things in or not in the pledge.

Not angry enough for some tea baggers either.

The Republican Party’s “Pledge to America”:

We pledge allegiance to the extreme right wing

of the United States of Big Corporations.

And to the tax cuts for the wealthy

for which we stand

one white nation, under one God

with malice toward minorities

and no separation of church and state at all.

Call Now!

Bumper sticker spotted on back of a (go figure) pick up truck in Upland the other day:

“Jesus is Coming: Be Ready.” Underneath the slogan was a toll-free number to call.

Jesus has a toll free phone number?

Can you talk to him directly, or is there a few zillion people you have to go through first?

Does he have call waiting in case he needs an excuse to be polite when he doesn’t want to talk to a person anymore?

Imagine some of the calls he would have to field:

1. “Do you do bar mitzvahs?”

2. “Will you be here in time when we win the Super Bowl so we can thank you in person?”

3. “I know this is a long shot, but can you give my daughter away at her wedding?”

4. “Sorry, wrong number. I wanted Glenn Beck.”

5. “Who put the bop in the bop she bop she bop? Who put the ram in the rama-lama ding-dong?”

6. “I told my 4-year-old if he watched that Katy Perry and Elmo “Sesame Street” video you’d make him go blind.”

7. “Seen that Facebook movie yet”

8. “Ever notice that GOP is just one letter difference than GOD?”

9. “How tough is it to live up to being the son of a really, really, really famous parent?”

10. “You do have a sense of humor, don’t you?”

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