Mama Grizzly on Mars

          Mars needs women.

That was the title of one of those awful 1950s sci-fi horror flicks that maybe has a cult following of one. In any event, the phrase comes to mind because of those two scientists who suggested sending astronauts over the age of 60 on a one way trip to Mars.

They excluded sending women of childbearing age because radiation could also damage reproductive organs. Well, there must be a lot of cougars out there who could qualify for the trip. Unless the scientists have an ulterior motive and want to turn Mars into the Angry Gay Red Planet. If that’s the case, a “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy wouldn’t be necessary.

NASA is obviously against this because they not only want to send people to Mars, but bring them back. Makes sense, because that would be what the mission is all about. Unless you want to boldly go and try to convince anyone with a brain that sending older Americans on a one-way ticket to another planet is a humanitarian gesture.

One good suggestion was that we first send whatever is needed to survive on Mars ahead of the voyage in order for the first pioneers to have some comforts of home when they get there.

What brave American would have the courage to make the voyage?

If they’re guinea pigs not coming back, send death row inmates. Or Bernie Madoff.

MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann snarked that the Republicans better not get wind of this idea or they’d finally know what to do with the “lazy” people who keep collecting unemployment benefits.

But if they are coming back, there’s one angry American who would be at home on the Angry Red Planet. Send former Vice President Dick Cheney. He’s over 60 years old. And he doesn’t have any vital organs that matter if they are affected by radiation —- especially a heart.

Deadeye Dick is convinced that America isn’t safe anymore under “this president.” And America, meaning the world in Cheney’s eyes, can only be safe if he’s in charge. So send him to Mars where he won’t have to worry about what happens to America, since he’s not around to give thumbs up to waterboarding or obstructing justice.

Cheney will never be satisfied unless he’s running the ship, so send him to Mars as the first ship’s captain.

He could finally be the Dark Lord of a planet he was destined to be. And he could keep the new colonized planet safe from any terrorists who will obviously be trailing  America’s Maiden Voyage in their mosque rockets.

His cronies at Halliburton can manufacture the best technology —- and weaponry. They could even use the WMD they didn’t create in time to plant in Iraq before W. jumped the gun and invaded.

And so he won’t be totally alone, send his daddy’s little girl, Lizzie Borden Cheney, along with him.

Now if Cheney’s not the ideal candidate, there’s one family that fits the bill.

That’s right, send the Palin family on the first expedition to Mars.

It will be like the Robinson Family from the 1960s sci-fi TV classic “Lost in Space.”

The Palins in space.

Levi Johnston can be the stowaway —– the Dr. Smith of the expedition.

Now that’s a reality TV show.

“Sarah Palin’s Mars.”

Mommy Moneymaker has already conquered Earth, now it’s time for her to boldly go where no woman has gone before.

She can Tweet her Space Cowgirl time away. “We’re just up here in space, doin’ our thing, waitin’ to become the first Americans on Mars. We’ve always been a pioneerin’ family and now we’re gonna cultivate on the Red Planet. That’s right, Mr. President Hopey-Changey, all Red. Not a flippin’ Blue state on the planet.”

Palin could become leader of the New World on Mars. And a lot of real Americans will follow her: 5 million, in fact, who watched her new reality TV show on The Learnin’ Channel. They apparently can’t get enough of her —- even if she’s gonna be a zillion miles away.

Sarah Palin —– from Queenmaker in Politics to Queen of the Universe.

At least on Mars she’ll finally get to be president —- and paid handsomely every time she speaks at gigs from the Chasma Boreale  to the Vastitas Borealis. And, hokey smokes!, there are polar ice caps on Planum Boreum that could remind ’em maybe of the glaciers back home in Alaska.

Golly, there may be even be some defenseless weird animals to hunt down and kill with space-age AK-47s.

And if by chance there are Martians, Palin the Pioneer will enforce the Arizona Amendment and prevent them from sneaking over American territory. And just let them try and teach American settlers any form of advanced medicine or science that could be put to any positive interplanetary use. It’s Gulag Guantanamo for the lot of them. Unless they can be converted to Christianity.

Fox Fabricated News will have 24/7 coverage of the Pioneerin’ Palins. The writings of Glenn Beck, George Will and Billy Graham, along with the magazines National Review, The Weekly Standard, The American Sectator and People will be centerpiece in the first Ronald Reagan Library and IMAX movie theater on Mars.

It would be just like Mommy Moneymaker to step forward and do something like this for the land that made her very, very wealthy.

Hey, the fix is in: her daughter, Unwed Mama Grizzly Bristol, is gonna win that darn “Dancin’ with the Stars.”

And, gee-willikers!, Mama Grizzly is even creatin’ new-fangled words for the English language. Unintentionally, of course. Her mashed-up word “refudiate” was named the best new word of 2010. Now before you start your gloatin’ there, Missy, just remember that as soon as you flubbed the word and those not in the makin’ up new words business got on your case, you deleted it from your Facebook entry. So in reality you were the first person to refudiate the word refudiate.

Need further evidence of the dumbing down of America? Even self-proclaimed brainiacs who labor in the lexicon can be bamboozled by this Narcissistic Nitwit.

Don’t be surprised if she’s named Time magazine’s Person of the Year. (Take that, Katie Couric!)

It’s Palin’s world. Everybody else is just taking up space.

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