The invasion of privacy will be televised. And on YouTube.
The four words heard ’round America has become a collective shout.
“Don’t touch my junk” is the successor to the “I’m as mad as hell and not going to take it anymore” midterm election chant. And to borrow the tag line from the worst “Jaws” sequel —- “this time it’s personal.”
The invasive patting down of passengers at airports —- or body search —- has got many Americans saying if you’re going to touch my butt you can kiss it as well.
TSA doesn’t stand for Transportation Security Administration anymore. TSA means “Touching is So Awesome.”
Let loose the wrath of a lot of Americans. Just say “Nope to grope” —- manhandled by strangers working for Homeland Security. (Homeland Security always had a fascist sounding title. Now it’s living up to its name.)
Refuse to fly TransParanoia Airlines.
No frisking us like we were bootleggers waiting to get a meeting with Al Capone.
Get the government off our backs and out of everywhere else. We don’t need no lascivious-looking airport security agent snickering “Are you happy to be flying or is that a surprise package?”
If this is what it’s come to then the terrorists haven’t won —- but they’ve got the champagne on ice in their caves because they’re just a few outs away from closing the deal.
The underwear bomber must be running around in circles in his jail cell with his arms up in air like Rocky on the steps of that building in Philadelphia.
Let’s keep the words “cavity search” to X-rays in the dentist’s office.
This is probably no picnic —- or scavenger hunt —- for some of the agents whose job it is to be this intrusive. But keep an eye out for those who are too eager to do their job — the ones who look like they haven’t been this close to copping a feel since they made it look like an accident in an elevator or on the subway.
If this is going to be —- media cliche alert! —- the new normal, then shouldn’t we at least get to pick and choose who’s going to do the frisking?
Most women wouldn’t want a man to do the law-abiding copping of a feel —- especially since most of those guys look like Curly of The Three Stooges.
It’s safe to say that most of us guys wouldn’t mind a woman patting us down —– no matter what they look like. Most of us guys don’t want other men groping us. Real life isn’t a “Jackass” movie yet.
The invasion of privacy is serious business —- but it’s also a comedy goldmine for Letterman, Leno and Conan (whose monologues are “junk heavy” to begin with.)
Letterman has offered an alternative to “Don’t touch my junk” with his own phrase: “Getting up in your business.” In fact, he tried out the slogan by saying that’s what his mom told him happened to her at the airport.
In the tradition of making light of a bad situation, here are a few new slogans for the TSA:
1. “The TSA: We feel your pain —- and other things”
2. For TSA’s employee of the year: “You’re in good hands with Al Stait”
3. “The TSA: We’ll know if you have the right stuff”
4. “The TSA: Before you fly, we’ll check your fly”
5. “The TSA: Ask about our package deal.”
The phrases associated with the TSA’s invasion of privacy will eventually make it into our popular culture:
1. A new “Peanuts” TV holiday special: “It’s the Great Junk Toucher, Charlie Brown.”
2. The popular MTV show “Punk’d” can be changed to “Punk’d.”
3. The Doris Day-Cary Grant movie “That Touch of Mink” will be remade and retitled “That Touch of Junk” starring the Judd Apatow stable of flashers.
4. The Broadway hit from the 1960s will see a revival and now be called “How to Succeed in (getting up in your) Business without Really Trying.”
5. In the popular music world, Bachman-Turner Overdrive, who haven’t had a hit in decades, will re-release one of their three hits and now call it “Taking Care of (getting up in your) Business.”
Finally, if the TSA is going to treat us like a cheap date and subject us to a body search against our will, shouldn’t we at least get a dinner out of it?
It’s just as well we don’t —- it would probably end up being junk food.