Meet the pests

      What went on behind closed doors this morning when President Obama met with the loyal opposition of incoming House Speaker John Boehner and still Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell is anybody’s guess.

One does wonder though if anyone was actually the adult in the room. The two parties have been bickering like bullies in the schoolyard picking on the weaker kid and taking his lunch money.

If it was going to be a prize fight, Obama went into the contest with a cut lip with stitches he got (apparently) playing basketball.

No compromise will be reached on extending the Bush tax cuts or the START Treaty, so why bother with the meeting?

The Republicans, who won back the House on Nov. 2, are painting themselves as the grown-ups on Capitol Hill.

That doesn’t explain Maine Senator Susan Collins, who said she will say stop to the START Treaty (nuclear arms reduction with Russia to avoid loose nukes) unless she gets the thumbs up from Daddy Bush and Junior.

What is she, 12 years old? The so-called GOP grown-ups need adult supervision. And man-up, Susan —- it’s the 21st century, women don’t have to seek the advice of men on how  to vote their conscious.

When Collins goes shopping for a new car with her hubby, she probably leaves everything up to him. Her only responsibility is picking out the color.

Stopping of the START Treaty is headed by Republican Sen, John Kyl of Arizona —- whose main purpose in doing so is to prevent Obama from scoring a victory.

Grow up. Kyl was the kid who sabatoged other kids’ train sets because his parents only got him socks for Christmas.

Meanwhile, GOP Rep. Joe Barton of Texas wants to play Army. It’s about time, the 61-year-old dodged the draft during the Vietnam War era.

Barton is re-enacting D-Day against the evil Obama administration: He sees “Bad Orange Tan” Boehner as Gen. Dwight Eisenhower, House Minority Leader Eric Cantor as Gen. Omar Bradley, and himself as Gen. Patton. Funny that, since draft-dodging Barton is more like the sissy soldier Patton famously slapped.

So that must make Rush Limbaugh, who, Winston Churchill?

Fat chance.

Of course Barton is not exactly saying Obama is Hitler (leave that to Fox Fabricates News.) But if he really wants to re-enact World War II, maybe he could find a part for that losing GOP candidate from Ohio who liked to play Nazi dress-up for war games.

Let’s not let the casting stop there. Here are some other suggestions:

1. Whackaloon Congresswoman Michele “They’re coming to take me away, ha-ha” Bachmann as Tokyo Rose.

2. Glenn Beck as Minister of Propaganda Joseph Goebbels.

3. War hero-turned-coward Sen. John McCain as Field Marshal Erwin Rommel.

4. Sean Hannity as broadcaster Edward R. Murrow.

5. And Rand Paul as The Beaver.

If Barton’s name sounds familiar, it should. He’s the same bozo who, during the Gulf oil spill, he was featured on live TV during the Congressional hearings on the disaster where he apologized to BP. He instead accused the Obama administration of a “shake down” against the corporation. Damn Gulf of Mexico interferring with our oil!

By the way, Barton is in line to chair the House Energy and Commerce panel.


So what may have been said behind closed doors when Obama met with the “Just Say No” weasels? Since none of us were flys on the wall, we can only guess. So here are a few examples:

1. “You’ve been on the job two years now. Ready to quit? Hey, it worked for Palin…”

2. “Got that split lip playing basketball? If that’s so, then you must have taken another shellacking.”

3. “Boehner’s gonna be a little late —- he thought that TSA body scan display in the East Room was a tanning booth.”

4.  VP Joe Biden to Mitch McConnell: “You could be the president’s challenger in 2012. Why don’t you choose what’s-her-name from Delaware. Got a slogan for you: McConnell and O’Donnell. You don’t like that one, here’s another one: Mitch and Witch.”

5. “Smoke ’em if you got ’em.”

6. “Sorry, Mr. Boehner, but noon is just a little too early for a beer summit.”

7. “Can we hurry up with this meeting? We’ve got to get over to Fox News and start making stuff up about you so we can keep people scared.”

8. “Sorry that the real leader of the Republican Party couldn’t be here —  but Rush is busy waterboarding stray animals.” 

9. “Do you want to just give up more than we do right now, or do you need a few extra months to make it look like you’re not spineless?”

10. “No, really, seriously, we won’t pull the football out from under you when you attempt to kick it.”


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