Things that make you say “huh?”
1. Christine “I’m not a witch. I’m you” O’Donnell — Tea Party princess who lost the Senate race, badly, in Delaware — got a book deal.
2. Florida Gov. Charlie Crist secured a posthumous pardon for The Doors’ Jim Morrison, who was arrested for exposing himself at a concert in the Sunshine State in 1969.
3. One of the slew of WikiLeaks documents released says shows like “Late Show with David Letterman” is broadcast uncensored and with Arabic subtitles as part of a “war of ideas” against extremist elements in Saudi Arabia. Dave’s fightin’ terrorism!
4. Charles Manson has a cellphone. Prison guards found it under his mattress.
5. Willie Nelson was busted for marijuana possession.
Hmm, Willie purchasing pot, Sister Grizzly Palin and Mr. Over-exposed….. The Buyer, the Witch and the Wardrobe Malfunction…
OK, so the Willie Nelson incident is not so much a “huh” as it is a “duh!”
But people are strange, indeed, when the Florida governor —- in one of the last things he does before leaving office — grants clemency to the psychedlic era rock god for allegedly exposing his Lizard King.
As for David Letterman, “agent of influence,” the late-night comedian joked about his popularity in Saudi Arabia on his show last night in his patented Top Ten List. One of the best on the list: “No. 9: We’re on right after the number one children’s show “Saudi Doody.”
Rumor has it that as soon as Jay Leno found out about Dave’s popularity with Saudi youth he threw a hissy fit in a staff meeting —whining that he should be No. 1 with that demographic because he’s done more to show foreign countries how stupid Americans are in the equally dumb “Jaywalking” segment of “The Tonight Show.”
Then there’s perky, unqualified Christine O’Donnell. Some publisher thought it would be a great idea for her to write a book. And get paid for it (the first paying job she’s had since, like, 2002.)
Here’s the pitch: She advocates abstinence, even without a partner. She dabbled in witchcraft. Now Christine O’Donnel will take “spell” to a literary level!
Must have been a hoot sitting around the conference table thinking up titles for her tome. Let’s see, there could be:
1. “The only thing I’ll try my hand at is this book”
2. “How to be Unsuccessful at Everything You Do and Still Land a Book Deal”
3. “If You Don’t Buy This Book I’ll Get You —– and Your Little Dog, too!”
4. “Broom at the Top”
5. “A Whiter Shade of Palin”
She may have dabbled in witchcraft, but she’s not nearly as satanic as Good Time Charlie Manson, whose cell phone in prison was easily traced to his digs because the ring tone was The Beatles’ “Helter Skelter.”
How can you tell that a must-have piece of modern technology that makes people think their important and have anything worth saying has jumped the shark?
When Charles Freakin’ Manson can get his dirty little hands on one.
Charlie needed it to talk to Satan —- they haven’t been in touch for a while:
“Charlie? Booby! How’s it going? Hang yourself yet?”
“Naw. Strongest stuff I’m allowed to have is dental floss.”
“A lot of call for that where you are, I bet. How about downing some Dran-O — you try that?”
“No. Listen, I’ve got a whole new lease on life since I got my bloody little hands on one of these babies. They’re called cell phones. Get it? Cell… like prison cell.”
“Ya. Hey, I’ve got to get going, there’s a politician on the other line willing to trade his soul to be the next president. It’s not enough that he’s got a lot of power over the airwaves. But hey, that’s how some of them get to the top of the heap.”
“Master, this has got to be your creation. It’s got the devil’s handiwork written all over it.”
“But of course it is. By the way, Charlie, every time a ring tone sounds a minion gets his or her horns.”
“Really? That’s so sick. Sick means good these days.”
“Sick. Always been one of my favorite words.”
“So I’ve been thinking —– I can round up all of my followers and get that race war started that I promised would happen.”
“No need for that, Charlie, there are others —- droves, really —- of militias in America who have already got the fuse lit.”
“But they’ll need a leader.”
“Like the commercial said, ‘Sorry, Charlie.’ You went out with tie-dyed jeans and the phrase ‘far-out.’ “
“But I coulda been a contender —- another Hitler. You promised!”
“You looked gay in jackboots and leather. Besides, timing was all wrong. Peace and love generation and all. But that’s long gone. Now it’s fear and loathing. My kind of ball game.”
“I could play on your team.”
“Your batteries are running low, Charlie.”
“I was the evil that was the baby boomer generation!”
“You couldn’t beat them either. And they were far from the greatest generation.”
“I could be menacing again.”
“Drugging young girls with low self-esteem ain’t what it used to be, bubby.”
“They’re coming for my phone. I won’t have anybody left to talk to.”
“Too bad all those voices in your head are here now.”
“I miss talking to them. I miss civilization.”
“How can you miss something you were never a part of? You’ve been a punchline for years. A boil on the buttocks of humanity. I would say you’re one of my own, but that would be an insult to me.”
“But I always worshipped you.”
“And look where that got you. I’m going to let you go now, Charlie. Do not try to touch base with me anymore. I hate these cell phone cliches….”
“Take me with you. I want to go home.”
“How pathetic. You can’t even die —- and all you have left is hell to look forward to.”