Reaganphiles

         Will the next Ronald Reagan please man-up?

Sure, there’s the Super Bowl this week and the uprising in the Middle East, but Sunday is the 100th anniversary of Ronald Reagan’s birth.

And all of conservative world is feeling tingly inside.

“Immaculate Conception: The Sequel.”

Meanwhile, those who were not fans of Reagan refer to his presidency as “The Immaculate Deception.”

The events marked by conservatives for Reagan — or as they might refere to it “Pilgrimage to an American Bethlehem “— will include former Vice President Dick Cheney crawling out of his undisclosed location like Punxsutawney Phil on Groundhog Day.

In fact, if Cheney sees his shadow that will probably mean six more weeks of snearing. And trying out new mechanical hearts. And didsdain for humanity.

Then there’s Sarah “blood libel” Palin, who on Friday did her best man-up impersonation and told an audience of Reaganphiles that the country is on the “road to ruin” and needs to get back to the values of the Gipper.

There you go again.

Wrong as usual.

Saint Ronald. You know, like have a long but not-real distinguished career in movies in Hollywood, the devil’s playground. Reagan’s show biz career involved a god-send for movie lovers everywhere —- he didn’t get the Bogart role as Rick Blaine in “Casablanca.”

Or you divorce your first actress wife because she was getting A-list movies and an Oscar while you were stuck in mediocrity like “Bedtime for Bonzo.”

Or Reaganomics —- which the man who would eventually become his vice president, Daddy Bush, called “voo-doo economics” when he was running against the Gipper in the primaries in 1980.

Eight years of Reaganomics was responsible for raising the national debt from $1 trillion to about $3.5 trillion.

Under Reagan, America traded arms, money, drugs and hostages between Iran and the Nicaraguan rebels.

We gave chemical weapons to Saddam Hussein (see the Bush years: 1989-1993 and 2001-2009.)

Reagan appointed Antonin Scalia to the Supreme Court.

By the end of his term, 138 Reagan administration officials had been convicted, indicted or had been the subject of official investigations for official misconduct and/or criminal violations.

And, oh ya, according to Reagan, trees were the cause of most pollution.

Wonder what the Gipper would be saying today listening to a narcissistic nitwit like Palin delivering a scathing attack on the policies of Washington (none of which she is equipped to deal with) while blowing smoke up his dead carcass.

Reagan wasn’t a great president — but he wasn’t polarizing either. He liked to work together to get things done. And he set politics aside after each working day.

With Mama Grizzly it’s “Mourning in America.” She speaks like this great country of ours is doomed. Late night in America, according to this Tundra Twit. Pessimistic. Un-Reagan like.

Still talking about Obama the socialist. Still whining, like a Gen-Xer who keeps blaming the baby boom generation for ruining everything for them.

Someone probably had to explain to Palin (which, if you move the letters around in her name, comes out Plain) that socialism didn’t mean the art of being friendly with everyone.

The Gipper’s son, Ron Jr., said it best, calling Palin a “soap opera” and the absolute wrong choice to talk about his father. He said she’s only out to make money and keep her name in the news.

Just like actors do. Hey, Reagan was an actor.

Palin can use the “soap opera” remark to her advantage after Fox tells her to say that people on those shows act.

Palin’s daughter was on “Dancing with the Stars.”

Reagan’s son Ron Jr. was a ballet dancer.

The Gipper hosted the TV show “Death Valley Days” about tales of the Old West.

Palin hosted a TV show about Alaska, which some critics knocked by saying they’d rather go through Death Valley on their hands and knees without water for days instead of ever tuning in again.

Reagan was a two-term governor.

Palin was a governor for two years.

Reagan did TV commercials for General Electric.

Palin does political commercials for herself on Fox Fabricates News.

There is no doubt Palin is trying to follow in the Gipper’s footsteps on the way to the White House. Problem is, Reagan had a plan. Palin has no clue.

But she has the ambition. So much so that she used the Gipper tribute to get back on track after her “blood libel” debacle.

Reaganphiles will have you believe that with the Gipper, everything was sacred.

With Palin, nothing is sacred.

She really believes she’s the next Ronald Reagan.

So much so that when she’s elected president, she’ll honor him by making her Secret Service code name Jellybean.

           Meanwhile, another Reaganphile, John McCain, Palin’s running mate in 2008 as it turns out, paid a visit to the White House on Wednesday to discuss foreign policy with the guy who beat him

McCain and President Obama met privately for a half hour discussing topics like immigration, the fiscal mess and Egypt.

Sure, they talked about those things —- but here’s some of the other things they said or asked that went unreported:

1. “So, any second thoughts about picking Palin as a running mate?”

2. “Dump Biden. I could be your running mate in 2012 —- you’ll be a Republican by then.”

3. “I thought this was going to be another one of your beer summits.”

4. “I thought you’d be waiting for me on the Portico and start dancing before the TV cameras like that idiot W.”

5. “Have I thanked you yet for picking Palin?”

6. “Can you school me in mavericky lessons?”

7. “Did you win the bet on how soon I could almost make Boehner weep at the State of the Union?”

8. “I like what you’ve done with the place —- but where are the velvet paintings on the walls I’ve heard about?”

9. “Does it bother you that your epitath will either be ‘The man who said the fundamentals of the economy are still strong’ or that ‘Here lies the man responsible for unleashing Palin into the world?’ “

10. “Are you going to pardon Charlie Sheen?”

         Still another Reaganphile — he also of the slick hair style — Mitt Romney, the apparent front-runner for the GOP presidential nomination in 2012 in a field where no one has officially announced yet.

Believe it or not, but the Mittster took the first step in almost making it official that he’s running for president.

He formed an exploratory commission? No.

He visited Iowa — the breeding ground for presidential candidates? No.

What he did was take his act  on the road —– he presented a Top Ten List on David Letterman’s show earlier in the week.

One of the first steps a politician takes before he gets serious and announces his run for president is to go on TV and show they have a sense of humor —- especially about themselves.

But they have to come off believable and deliver the goods. Mitt did OK. Good delivery —- but the material was way too safe. A few chuckles here and there. Nothing edgy. No jokes about other possible GOP contenders.

The list was Things You Don’t Know about Mitt Romney. Well, here are a few things that you also don’t know that weren’t on the list:

1. His hair hasn’t moved in 12 years.

2. He’s set to star in next Cohen Brothers movie “True Mitt.”

3. Little known fact: He can out-tan John Boehner in any salon.

4. Does wicked hard impressions of dead celebrities no one remembers.

5. If he gets GOP nod won’t rule out selecting the effervescent Betty White as his running mate.

6. He giggles like a little school boy whenever someone happens to mention the words Lake Titicaca.
         7. He’s allergic to hats.

8. He won’t consider Palin as a running mate because of too many easy GOP slogan jokes like “Mormon and Moron.”

9. He once accidentally touched money that wasn’t his.

10. Lost gig replacing Bob Barker hosting “The Price is Right.”

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